Je ne sais quoi...

Have you ever met someone whom you just couldn't forget? Someone who's haunting you, long after they're gone from your life, even following you into your dreams, turning them into nightmares? Making it seemingly impossible for you to have a healthy relationship? It's been happening to me almost 3 years ago. And I still can't, for the life of it, understand what's the reason that it's so hard for me to let this go. I'd met her back in July 2009, knowing her since late 2008. At that time, I was just over my 2nd(and most serious) relationship, which took me over a year. She was 30 at that time, I was 23. I met her on a rather seedy website, but given that I had met a very good friend there 2 years earlier(who was also married at that time, like she was), I figured I shouldn't have prejudices about the site and see the individual behind a profile. This is where I made my first mistake, by thinking that this woman(let's call her I) was just looking for love and affection(and maybe in the wrong places). She had admitted to me that she's married and had affairs(at that time, I didn't know how many). She seemed unhappy and depressed in her life and didn't seem to know why...I felt the same way. That and something about her look made me very interested in her. I hadn't really felt excited or felt butterflies in my stomache since my last relationship(which ended almost 2 years before I met her) and I was surprised by myself and the way I felt so interested with her(compared to others). I didn't know what it was(still don't honestly), maybe her cheeky charme or charisma? There was something about her, a certain je ne sais quoi...it made me so curious about her that I eventually decided to visit her in Bali(a place I had always avoided before for being too touristy and not my cup of tea). A few days before my arrival, I felt quite upset with her though. I had spent a couple of stressful days, trying to find a decent place, not far located from her work place(for her convenience), but she wasn't really very helpful. It seemed like she doesn't even care that I come for her. To be honest, hadn't it been for another good friend that I also met there for the first time, I think I would have cancelled to go there. But I didn't and so we met...although a day later than expected(I was still mad at her the first day). When I first saw her, I was immediately attracted to her...and when I was back at my place, I felt more and more smitten. She acted very coy and shy and told me not to look at her all the time, it'd make her feel more shy. So I exaggerated to "stare in the sky" instead, asking her if she was happy...she came to hug me from behind and wow, did this make me feel happy...I felt so comfortable and excited, just like perfect bliss...we stood there, hugging for a while, before we moved to a bed where we talked a bit, listened to music and kissed each other. One thing lead to another and we both got aroused(although I honestly felt happy to just be with her, I didn't feel we had to go further that time). Yet when she suggested sex, something inside me panicked...I thought "if you don't do it, she might find someone else"...a first indicator and warning sign of how blinded I already was maybe. It was quite special, despite it taking place in the bathroom(the only room in my villa with 4 walls). This had all happened in maybe 1 hour or less, since she came to me after work and had to head home soon after. I accompanied her to her car at least where I also saw a picture of her husband on the backseat(the only time I saw him actually). He didn't look bad. For some reason, I was never really that jealous of him, I rather felt sorry for him. When I asked her if she doesn't feel guilty sometimes, she replied that he doesn't know it, so how could it hurt him? Seemed like a strange logic to me...it was just a harbinger of things to come actually... The next couple of days, we hardly got any time together...her husband was supposed to be away that week, but his plans had changed, so we could only meet for lunch 2 or 3 times. I was quite unhappy with that and felt lonely...maybe that feeling increased my feelings for her? I was thinking whether or not I should tell her and decided to write down how and what I feel instead and not tell her yet. I still thought I was being more rational and less emotional with her than I was in previous relationships. Since we couldn't spend much time together in Bali, I invited her to visit me in Jakarta for 3 days. It wasn't that long, but it would give us some time together. She agreed and I felt happy and was looking forward to it. Those three days that we spent together were some of the happiest days I had in my life. For the first time ever maybe, I felt 100% content with the woman by my side...I didn't catch myself browsing for other girls in the mall or something like that. I was just happy and proud to walk hand in hand with her. But those days came to an end too eventually...it was quite sad when I had to take her back to the airport and see her fly away again. Before her departure, we actually had a fight in the last night. I was eager to find out how she feels about me, but still wasn't sure about it. So I tried to cry some fake tears to cause some kind of reaction(hoping for sympathy, but expecting annoyance). As I thought, she was rather annoyed by it. At that time, I first felt shocked, hurt and sad...but then I also felt a moment of maturity in which I thought "it's sad if someone doesn't feel the way you want them to, but you can't really blame someone for that". I felt that I could have accepted it...but she was somehow so cold and cruel in that moment that I couldn't avoid to say "I feel sorry for your husband". That just angered her further. She threatened to leave if I didn't stop crying. I did. I became eerily calm. It was as if god had touched me with his hand or something...everything around me seemed to slow down and I felt so peaceful. I stared at some knives in the kitchen and thought I should just kill this person who's so heartless with other people's feelings. Of course I didn't do that, but I obviously spooked her quite a bit. Somehow, it helped to get over that fight that time. The next day on the way to the airport, I asked her what we are now...I had her promise me that we'd really try this secret relationship, but I said she should ONLY promise me that if she wants to and can keep it(just as I had asked her if she wants to change her life style prior to meeting her, otherwise I hadn't met her). Sadly enough, she didn't keep any of her promises(but I didn't know that yet at that time). I was quite sad after she left, but a few days later, I already felt better...maybe because I wasn't alone? I felt that the time with her was nice and it'd be great if it'd become more. But if not, I could have accepted that too(at that time). It wasn't until I was back in my country that I felt different about it. I suddenly missed her and stayed up many nights to accompany her in yahoo while she was at work. I was constantly worried she might do something that could hurt me. Step by step, I gave away what little pride and dignity I had left. I became like a toy in her hands. And worst of all, it was mostly my fault. 3 or 4 months after we had met, I found evidence that she actually wasn't keeping her promise at all, but continued to screw around. I had already feared that from day one(a part of me always seemed to know, that's why I wasn't loyal to her either), but it still came as a shock to me somehow. I felt devastated. When I confronted her with what I had found out, she denied it. When I showed her proof, she was just angry at me that I had "stalked her". She didn't even say sorry or anything. That just hurt me more. It was as if she was mocking my feelings for her. I often thought that maybe I had been too lenient and nice with her. She once said I'm kind of like her husband: Too nice and too sensitive. It's true that I can be sensitive, but it's also true that I had been rather coldhearted and numb with anyone I'd dated or been with in the last 2,5 years before I met her. I had given her a special treatment that no one but my second girlfriend got from me(and no one got ever since). I kept pondering if things would have been different, had I been more myself instead of someone I thought she'd need. In my eyes, I assumed she needs someone to love her, despite her flaws...someone who can make her believe in love again. She had told me how she'd been crushed by the guy she'd been having an affair with. Silly, foolish me...curious enough, she told me a year later that she had met said guy again and she felt nothing anymore(while he still did)...that just fits in the picture. Even after what she had done to me, I still tried to convince her to give us a chance(I felt we never really got one). But she refused. The same person who had told me that she's thinking about leaving her husband for me suddenly showed me just her cold shoulder. It was easy for her to say "just get over it, it's the past". Our conversations weren't so good anymore after that. Whenever we talked, I wasn't really hiding my true opinion anymore out of fear of upsetting her. Instead, I told her what I really think. It led to further insights on this woman. At one point, she told me she's "a bitch and proud of it". Or she bragged about sleeping with over 50 guys in a year. I met her again in 2010, hoping it'd show me whether or not I'm really over her. It was a weird meeting. I did feel different about her(for instance, she seemed prettier to me the first times I had met her), but I also still felt that I desire her somehow. We talked about the past and she made that comparison of me and her husband. I asked her what she'd do if her husband did to her what she did to him. She said that'd be fine...since she did it, he should have the same right. I asked again "but what if he doesn't want to do that because he loves you?" She looked at me as if I had said that the sky is green and laughed..."Then it's his own fault if he's that stupid", she said. There were numerous further examples of her...how should I call it? Coldheartedness? Or maybe it's just me who thinks that? We kept talking occassionally, but I started to avoid her. Talking to her just left me with an ill feeling. I asked her why she'd even want to talk to me...according to her, I'd be weak anyway and I hadn't reached my dream yet. When I said that she didn't achieve her dream either and that I was only like this for her, she didn't say anything. To me, you can't be friends if you despise one another or at least have no respect. I simply couldn't forget what she did to me. Is it wrong if I can't? Could you? After a while, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt that she only talked to me to rub my face in the fact that I'd never get her and that she enjoyed hurting me. Why else would she have to tell me who she plans to fornicate with next? So eventually, I decided to cut all contact. I wrote her a final email in which I said I really hope she can change herself for her own sake and the sake of others, but that I couldn't take it anymore and that I've to proetect myself. Then we didn't talk anymore for a year. All of a sudden though, she popped up again on WAYN. She said I invited her there, but I never sent out any invitations and she wasn't in my messenger list anymore. Either way, she talked to me again. She told me how she came clean to her husband about her cheating and decided to leave him to be with another man(who'd leave his wife for her). Apparently, this had just happened 2 or 3 months after we last talked. I couldn't help myself, but to feel upset. The thought of "if only you had held out longer" crossed my mind. Could it have been me? When we last met in 2010, I had her promise me that I'd be #1 on her list, should she ever be single again. Of course that's another promise she broke. Maybe that's why I can't forgive her? Cause she always made a big fuss about how she's not easy to make a promise, but apparently, it's very easy for her to forget them or break them? I fell in another hole when she told me about those new changes in her life. At that time, I actually was in a new relationship, feeling like I'm finally moving on. But knowing about this made me realize that I still hadn't moved on at all. It destroyed my new relationship(I told my girlfriend about it for the sake of honesty). The only woman who'd ever made me feel really excited since was a woman I met at work. I didn't notice it at first, but she seemed to be a twin of I. She looked similar to her and her personality seemed to be almost the same. A woman like a wild horse, freedom-loving, hard to be tamed. Which made me wonder, is this the only kind of woman I can like? I also wonder why I can't seem to forget I. Do I still love her? I actually hate her for everything she did to me, even for what she did to her husband. If she'd get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, I'd rather feel reliefed and happy than sad. So I can't say I love her per se...I hate who she really is! But I think I still love who I always wanted her to be...who I thought she is...I liked to see her as the victim, as the fallen angel, as a woman who got off the right path...but she isn't a victim, she's the culprit. She isn't demeaned or abused, she's the one who abuses. In her world, there seems to be only space for HER! Nobody else. There are millions of reasons to hate her, to say she's not right for me...I know it with every fibre of my being...and yet, why can I not forget her? Why do I still seem to long for her? I seem to be unable to move one and I'm caught in a dilemma...I love an unreal idol I created and I miss this feeling of love so much that I glorify every memory about it to the max, making it impossible for me to ever give anyone in the present a chance to replace those memories...or that's how it seems...but all I got here is a bunch of theories...many seem to make sense, but none seems to fit 100%...and so I end up with a "je ne sais quoi"...

Getting to know each other

In the world of today, everything is changing faster and faster. Technical and social changes are happening at much faster pace. Yet there seem to be some things that haven't changed in decades or even centuries. Dating seems to be among them.
Sure, there's speed dating and stuff like that, but it seems that people still spend a lot of time to "get to know each other". It seems to be an unwritten law of the dating world that you've to spend a certain amount of weeks or months before you can talk frankly about certain emotions or desires you both might have. I wonder, why is that?
Isn't all this tip-toeing around against our nature?

Basically, we are visual beings. We see something and that information is transmitted to our brain where we get a short info like "there's a car heading our way, let's not cross the street" or "I'm hungry and there's food on the table, let's eat it".
Never once does our mind tell us "There's something that our body wants/needs, let's waste a huge amount of time just staring at it and pretending we don't want it before we take it"(risking that someone else will take it). With that kind of attitude, our species would be long gone by now.

So why do we behave so differently when it comes to dating? True, we should know another person before we get to intimate. Or do we? Do animals spend a lot of time courting? They usually just go right at it, right? And seeing how some humans behave, it seems to be just the same with them.

I just don't really want to understand what all this stalling should be good for. Basically, I walk around and I see other human beings. If my eyes see something I might like, they'll inform my brain. Thus, I'll be starring at that "object". That's natural, isn't it? So if now I'd walk over to that girl and just talk to her and say "hey, I like you, do you like me to and want to spend time together/be together", wouldn't that be the honest and natural thing to do?

What will I exactly win if I go there and pretend to be not too interested in her or by telling her "let's be friends first"? Like I said above, we're visual creatures. No one can tell me that our interest in another human being(at least upon our first encounter) is based on anything else but visual impressions and some assumptions thereafter(at best).
Or in a nutshell: If we see something we like, we want it. If that objects feels the same way about us, perfect, it's a match! So what would be the point in wasting valuable time, looking for someone else or pretending that it isn't so?

People say that it takes time to get to know another person. Be that as it may, but how much time do we actually need to really know another person? There are couples, married for 30 years...and then it turns out that the husband was secretly gay all the time and the wife didn't know. So do we ever know another human being 100%? How could we? We don't even know ourselves 100%, given that our mind is very easy to deceive us. So how could anyone else know us that well?

In my opinion, it should be enough to just check if both people like each other. All that crap about getting to know each other seems to be just a manifested, build-in obstacle that become common courtesy in todays dating world. There's still time for that later, right?
Even more so, wouldn't it be much better to take things faster? If you meet someone you like and then you jump right into a relationship and find out it doesn't work after a few days only and you're hence back on the market...isn't that much more efficient than wasting weeks, months or even years to find out just the same thing?

I just wish we as human beings could be more rational and more pragmatic and practical-thinking about this. I'm really no fan of all the stalling. If I like someone and that person likes me, that should be ground enough to take further steps...or not;)

Ain’t life a bitch?

The human soul…it seems to resemble a black hole…we know little to nothing about it and it often swallows everything around us…the results? Often unknown or misinterpretated.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about life and the way we are as people. I’m not sure where I stand in this life of mine. I’m seeing the people around me, I judge them, they judge me, we all judge each other…in good ways, in bad ways…but in the end, doesn’t it all come back to us? Isn’t it really just about ourselves?

Let’s take a closer look. As humans, we like the idea of being in charge, that we’ve control over our life. We grow up with values and standards, often teached by our parents, and, as we grow older, we’re impressed and moulded by our environment and peers, may it be in school, at work or in our social life and with the people who surround us. So are we really as free in our choices and thinking? Or aren’t all decisions already made in one way or another the minute we are born?
It’s a never ending circle, like a moebius loop. Since Adam and Eve, human beings saw the things around them and they perceived it differently. Since everyone perceives everything in a unique way that is never 100% the same with anyone on earth(just like snow flakes), naturally, we have billions of perceptions. Those form billions of opinions, billions of mindsets. Those mindsets all blend in. The billions of single opinions and perceptions go through a certain selection, since certain groups of people are quite similar to each other.

We have people who are very religious, we have people who have high moral values. We have people who have no or low moral values. We have people who are obviously selfish and do not feel that there’d be anything wrong with it, nor would they feel remorse for what they are doing. Other people are also selfish, but they always regret what they do. All those groups often interfere with each other. That creates tension. Let’s take a closer look.

Let’s say we have a couple. There’s a girl who meets a guy. Now a lot of people seem to like the idea that humans get together as a couple because they share a lot of common interests or they have, what they call „chemistry“. Really?

Basically, isn’t it more realistic and logical that from our first meeting with someone else, we can not know anything about that person yet? All our impressions of that person can only create a vague assumption at best. And that’s what happens in any of those cases, no matter how smart or dumb we may be. That’s our nature.
Some people will keep to themself what they assume about the person they meet. Others will blurt it out to that person. And yet others will tell their assumption to their peers and friends, oblivious(or ignoring) to the fact, that those are assumptions and hence don’t have to match with reality.

But since we’re actually very selfish as humans and we aren’t really able to think about someone else the way they would think about them, we can not put us in their shoes. At best, we can imagine when we think we were in a similar situation and we can think back to our own reactions, emotions or thoughts at that time.

So let’s get back to our example. A girl and a guy meet. Since they can not know anything about each other, they can only be attracted by physical appearance or maybe attitude. Guys probably rather react to physical appearance, girls might appeal to attitude too.
Either way, the ego trip continues. What would be a logical reason for those two people, who don’t know anything about each other yet(how could they?) to be together?
Guy A might think „wow, she’s a hottie, if I go out with her, my friends will be so jealous of me and I can impress them and create envy in them and that will make me feel better and boost my ego“.

Girl B might think something similar. Or she feels a certain feeling when she sees this guy(whatever that feeling may be based on, like a primal instinct for example) and she thinks that by being with this guy, she can have 24/7 access to this feeling.

The point being: We wouldn’t have any couples if it was for mere charity. We always get something from being with another person. Whether it’s sex, money, looks, respect, the jealous looks of others around us, a boost for our ego or even just a happy feeling. But would we really be with someone if that would get us nothing but negative feelings? Well, who knows, maybe some freaks might actually even want that and like it, but normally no one would, right?

So now that we’ve established that, we can think further about why we grow up with so many lies. Since the dawn of time, we grow up with certain values. Some of us grow up with Christian(Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, etc) values. Basically, most religions teach us tolerance and respect for our fellow people. But if that’s really who we’d be…wouldn’t have god made respect and tolerance a factory installed option? The fact that we obviously still fail to be the way the bible tells us we should be seems to show us, that god probably created us this way, because we need that friction and tension. Maybe this is the essence of life, what makes life interesting and special. Without an ego, we’d be seemingly perfect. Even Jesus showed some ego in his last hours and at other occassions. That shows that he’s also part human, right?
And since he’s god’s son, god could have created him without an ego. And yet he did.

Religions teach us tolerance and respect, but it seems to be more fun and more interesting to most of us to ignore those rules. Even the strongest believer seem to be incapable to keep all the rules at all times throughout all of their life. A test?

So we grow up, learning that we should be nice to others, we should respect them…and if we do, they’d do the same. That sounds like a nice deal. But already in kindergarten(if not sooner), we’ll already have to find out that reality is different. In reality, we have kids, stealing our shovel, throwing sand in our little face or throwing rocks at us.
Why would they do that? Most certainly, because they also get something from it(just like our aforementioned couple). It’s hard to tell what each single person would get from a nasty act like throwing rocks. But obviously, it must give them something.

On that matter, I was thinking about love and relationships and marriage. It seems that love and marriage are sort of outdated these days. People split up over nothing and they cheat on each other all the time. It seems to be inevitable. People have by far too many choices and even though people have a conscience and a mind to tell them what’d be best for them, they often(or always) seem to opt for what’s trouble, danger or forbidden. Maybe that seems to be more exciting than following the rules. Let’s just think of Adam and Eve(and the apple) or Kain and Abel. Give people everything they’d want and need and they’d surely find a way to poke holes in it and destroy it.

So is there hope after all for us? Or are we already doomed? Is the homo sapiens of the future more of a homo destructivus? Is being obviously selfish and coldhearted the best lifestyle to get through life?

Well, history shows us many examples of people who decided not to walk down that dark path. Although our history has probably more examples of how violent and brutal it can look if humans go to war over selfish reasons and do the worst of things to each other, it seems that the good deeds seem to shine much lighter and seem to interest us even more than the bad ones. Aren’t we all somewhat touched or feeling as part of humanity if people help each other or show that they’re seemingly unselfish?

I think in the end, there is no wrong or right. Those who consider themself good will surely always condemn those, who do what we know as „bad things“(e.g. murder, adultery, theft), while those who are labeled(or happy to call themselves) bad will probably think that those who are „good“ are all gullable, stupid oafs, who can be taken advantage of.
Eventually, we can not really judge any group as a whole, because there is no real border inbetween. We can easily turn from good to bad or bad to good…sometimes that can happen a hundred times, even within just weeks or days.

It’s probably something I’ll have to learn to live with and that we all have to decide for us individually…to what kind of values and standards we want to live up to. We just shouldn’t forget that we all have different perceptions and we actually could never blame others, if they aren’t sharing our opinion or if they don’t feel the same way about something(or for someone, e.g. us), because we don’t own ultimate wisdom. We may be right, we may be wrong. And we can find people who agree with us on many things. But eventually, we’d waste our lives if we’d keep thinking that we have to look for perfection, because neither one of us is perfect…we’re far from it. In the end, we just should be able to look at ourselves in the mirror and not deny ourselves.

Men and women(and genes)

You know how people say men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Now we’ve probably all heard about that and we’ve been thinking „They probably mean that men and women don’t speak the same language and hence won’t understand each other.“

Well, that’s probably what the saying means. But is it that simple? Are men and women really that different? Or are some men from Venus too, while some women are from Mars?

As for me, I’m feeling like I’m neither from Mars, nor from Venus. Maybe I’m from Uranus or Neptune or somewhere…because I can’t find myself 100% on either side.

I’m not emotional enough anymore to pass as a „women“, while I’m not rational enough to pass as a men. Then again, there are things I can see in me that would fit for both sides.

I can be a bit of a hunter and collector, while I can also nest. What exactly does that make me? A third species? Or isn’t it more likely that men and women aren’t that different actually?

Sure, there are physical differences. We’ve all had biology classes in school, so I guess I can spare you the details. I’m rather talking about the similarities or rather the blurry borders here.

There are men who can act in a female way, who can think like a woman(even not at all times maybe) and there are women who can act and think like men.

Then again, the majority of men and women seem to behave just the way the stereotypes say.

I know many women who are very emotional, PMSing, playing mindgames on guys(curiously enough, they don’t seem to play those on other girls, unless they’re Lesbians. Maybe it’s about „love“?), having ridiculously high expectations on others, while forgetting that they don’t really have that much to offer. Then again, that might be just an attempt to hide their own insecurities and self consciousness.

And there are men. They behave like neanderthals in tuxedos(or in some cases Bintang shirts or likewise), being all primal, competitive with each other and yet ridiculously easy to see through. I’ve heard many women complain that guys are such liars. But I never understood why girls can’t see a guys intention as easy as a guy can.

Let’s face it, when god handed out the skills of good lying, the guys must have taken a whizz…because guys are lousy liars! Either they’re too lazy, too stupid, both or they simply don’t care if they’re caught and hence don’t ever make up good stories(or they don’t make up stories at all in a very cocky attempt to just do what they want, probably thinking that they’re so great anyway that everything can be forgiven, even infidelity).

Having said that, I wonder…for guys, it’s quite easy to see if girls are wearing a mask of self confidence. Usually, girls try to be a little bit too exact when they form that mask. They look just a tad too confident as that they could pass through with it.

As for guys, they seem to carry their intentions around with them, easily visable, as if they had them tattoed on their forehead or written on their shirt.

So one might wonder: Why can’t women see that too? Women can be, no doubt, very rational and are usually smart beings. How come their intelligence seems to’ve gone overboard if they meet an obvious jerk? Maybe not the super-duper-obvious kind, but at least the one that every other guy can smell 5 miles against the wind, blindfolded.

Is it because women WANT to be with that kind of guy? If yes, why?
One theory would be that deep inside, a woman thinks or hopes that she’s something like god. She thinks she can change any jerk into a nice, decent human being.

That’s quite preposterous…hell girl, it’s a MAN! How could one possibly turn a man into a somewhat decent being? At least through the eyes of a woman?

Plus, the second problem is: If it’s really true that women love a challenge and need one(which would explain why they go against their ratio and instincts), wouldn’t that be sort of a vicious circle? It would show that they have some kind of genetic defect, since they obviously pick damaged goods(the jerks) over the few decent male human beings. That means that even if they’d succeed and turn all jerks into decent human beings, they’d have only succeeded at failing, since they didn’t want them before, when they had a choice, so why should they want them now?
After all, the logic is missing here.

The more interesting theory might be, that some scientists say that women always try to find themself in any potential partner. It’s something very subconscious and I never saw any girl or woman admitting it, but there seems to be something to it, given a track record of experiences when it looked very true for me as the observing bystander.

Let’s give this some more thought: If women pick a person who’s just like them(except for the gender), that means that they should pick the person they think is best for them.

However, most women seem to have the urge to change their significant other and his „flaws“.

Girls, does it dawn on you? Obviously, you’re trying to fix yourself, yet you can’t or won’t admit that to yourself, so you find a nice male piece of clay to mould.

And it should show women that even though they say things like „I want a guy who’s a strong leader“, they shouldn’t be surprised why they end up fighting if they finally found one.
It’s as easy as 1,2,3, if you find a bossy version of yourself, why would you listen to that alter ego if you’re bossy yourself and you are already a leader?

But let’s not spare out men here. For some reason, even though men are from Mars and women from Venus, men seem to act like women about this particular thing.

Maybe a man doesn’t try as hard to change a women, but I reckon that that’s because men are already quite lazy to change themself, so it doesn’t really run contrary with their nature.

Also, just like women, a lot of men seem to hide their insecurity behind a wall of too much self confidence and a cocky attitude.
Most men don’t seem to be too good in picking a suitable life partner. Maybe it’s because through the generations, the role of the women seems to have changed, from inferior to superior to equal…but basically, are we that different from our primal nature?
That men hunt and women nest?

Biologically, it makes sense and explains that guys can not really be loyal. It’s just not in their nature. The male genes push a guy to find as many possible sex partners as possible. That’s not even the guy or his little friends fault, it’s the fault of the genes! They want to make sure that they get as many possible surogates as possible to make sure they(the genes) will survive, for generations to come.

As with women, it’s not that different. They might not cheat as much(or obvious) as guys(although honestly, it seems pretty even steven for me, I know a lot of girls who don’t take it that serious with loyalty), but they still try to find the best male to mix with their genes, also in order to survive for generations to come.
Curious enough, the „strongest“ and most competitive guys are usually not the loyal ones.
If you put your eggs all in one basket and the basket turns out to be on the losers side, you lose. If you put your eggs in many baskets, you increase your chances.

So it’s also just naturally for women to feel more attracted by a guy who has outsmarted and beaten his „lame“ loyal colleagues. How? Well, he was having as many sex partners as he could.

From an ethical point of view, that’s all quite despicable and sad. From a biological point of view, it makes perfect sense. Although…the major flaw here that makes this whole thing rather funny and ridiculous is the fact that 90% of the original genes of a human being are already eradicated in the 3rd or 4th generation. That means that the original gene(the one that pushes us to do all those nasty and silly and irrational things) is behaving just as irrational as we do as men and women.

In a nutshell, one might say about men and women whatever they want. We can write many books about how women can’t drive or park and guys can’t listen or hate shoe shopping, but that’s all just a giant smokescreen that keeps our eyes closed from the fact that we’re much more primal and primitive than we think. So many things happen subconsciously, probably even as I write this. Who knows, maybe it’s also my genes that inspirated me here;)

Live for the moment

Imagine you came to me, early in the morning…it was dark and misty and you were drunk...I took you to my room, feeling like a thief in the night, careful not to be seen by jealous eyes that would look at me and misjudge me. But the urge to exploit you is stronger...
We come to my room and I look at you...I can see many flaws and I know, you are not the girl to spend a lifetime with...and that I won’t let my guard down for you...but it doesn’t matter for now. I just keep looking in your eyes and enjoy your outer beauty...I’m being totally superficial and shallow for now, but I don’t care. I just listen half hearted to the meaningless drivel you’ve to tell me, pretending some understanding to push some of your buttons...you’re too drunk or careless anyway to realize it. However, I’m a little bit surprised...are you really that gullable? Are you the one who tries to seduce me? I wonder what’s going on in your head while you talk and talk and I just nod...then you seem to get tired, you take off your stilettos and sassy as you are, you place yourself on my bed...we’ve talked for over an hour now and the morning is coming closer...you tell me “It’s time to sleep now” and go to bed...I’m surprised and a bit frustrated too, because I haven’t reached my goal yet. But what choice do I have? I’m not some bastard who’d take advantage of the situation although I’m quite sure, you wouldn’t be reluctant in your current state.
Drunk as you are, you fall asleep very fast...I just look at you, not sure what to do...I’m feeling unsatisfyed with myself and the situation, so I decide to be more daring...I place myself next to you(after all, it’s my bed) and try to get some rest...but I can’t sleep, you chased the last ounce of sleep out of my body...so instead, I’m getting closer and closer to you...I can feel suddenly, that maybe my goal isn’t that far after all...
I’m looking at you, lying there, so innocent...you’re in a deep sleep now...you don’t seem to realize how I put my arms around you and spoon you...I just want to feel close to you know and the charade begins...I smell your odor of cigarettes, cheap wine and pherormons...what a strange mixture...but gosh, how wonderful it feels to hold you in my arms and pretend...I imagine all the things that could be between us, while I know it never will be...from first date until marriage, it all happens in seconds in my head...and I’m well aware of it. But it doesn’t matter, because all that matters now is this moment, nothing else...that’s what I hoped for when I let you in, that’s why I endured your pointless drivel, that’s why I don’t give a damn what you think about me...right now, I’m using you...if you use me too, it doesn’t matter to me, because I just think of myself now.
I tenderly kiss your forehead and places kisses on your eyelids and neck...and cuddle myself closer to you again. I can feel that almost nothing could top this now...except for the “real deal”, a real kiss...or plenty of them. But I’m not the kind of guy who’d wake you now...it might destroy the illusion and where would be my good manners then?
I’m starting to feel melancholy though...I know it’s just this moment...it’s a wonderful moment, but it’s a lie, like most of the moments in our life. The truth couldn’t life up to the reality...maybe that’s why guys always want to leave afterwards? They don’t want the reality to cheapen the memory? But nah, I bet I’m the only guy who has space for romantic or melancholic thoughts about life and love...
We’ve been lying like this for maybe 3 hours now...you wake up and of course now things start to get out of hand a bit...you talk to much again and it starts to cheapen my memory already...so I want to shut you up and tell you frankly what I want...to kiss you, it’s what I’m longing for...you call me naughty, yet we both know you’re way naughtier than me, it doesn’t take a scientist to see that from the look in your eyes...so I don’t expect anything anymore and start to drift off into memories while you keep ranting about something I don’t care about...don’t bother me with your petty problems please...
But...what is this? You changed your mind? Suddenly, you tell me that you have a “surprise” for me...and, glory, glory, hallelujah, you kiss me! Now that’s the cherry on the ice...
After the first taste, I can see that you’re not a bad kisser...quite a good one actually...not too hasty, tender...and I’m feeling that feeling from before again...I try to reach out for it and hold it...and I can, for a moment at least...but then, you spoil it all, by saying something stupid like...well, it wasn’t “I love you”...

We’ve just met...I don’t know really much about you and neither do you...like most girls I choose for something like this, you also have your share of flaws...and like usual, they’re going to an extent where I know that the idea of anything serious with you is only an illusion...but that’s ok, as long as you don’t see right through my mask and intentions.
What I want from you? Your body? Well, not for sex for sure...you don’t have to worry about that...I want something more expensive, more valuable...I want your soul...your heart...even if it’s just for a moment...I want to reach that moment in which I believe my own lies for a short period of time and I want to bask in it!
I’m magically attracted by your story of a broken heart and I can see the inner sadness behind your eyes and your cool facade...maybe you want to pretend to be though, maybe you made your share of experience...I’m not sure, it doesn’t really matter...you’re fragile, I can see that...but not that fragile that you’d really learn something from your mistakes. I feel some pity for you, but the feeling of greed is stronger...greed for your misery, that arouses me...I feel the urge to “heal” you, I start to fall for my own mindtraps now. All I can see is a girl...a sad existance, but not by far as dramatic or desperately in need for help like I’m trying to tell myself...well, it doesn’t matter...it’s all in my head and I just want to live for that moment...and you’re gonna give it to me. You don’t want to? Well, I’m not asking for it, I’m demanding it. And I’ll get it...I just have to work harder on you...and don’t tell me you don’t want to, it was far too easy to get you this far already....
What worth is all the gold, the sex, the little kicks people get out of their so called luxury in comparison to feed off others people inner misery for your own happiness? Maybe you think it’s sick...but who are you to judge? Thou who’s free of guilt shalt throw the first stone!
May it be as it is...I’ve to set up a perfect scenery for this...and have to make sure that you won’t ruin this moment I’m working onto for me.
I think I’ll take you to the cinema...some boring movie should do the trick....the darkness...I’ll whisper sweet words into your ear until you finally melt away...then I’ll just kiss you...and suck the sweet misery out of you like a vampire would suck blood from your carotid artery.

Is it vicious? Do I’ve to care? Did you care? Everyone lives alone, dies alone...our paths might cross, but nothing lasts forever...we might as well learn to live for the moment. Maybe it’s sick, yes...but what’s sane in a world without innocence? Who can tell? Who can show us the way? Why not taking what we can get? And the best things in life are someone elses anyway...
So stop me, if you think you have to. Kill me, if that will please you. But I’ll not stop until I’m stopped. I’ll collect as many of these precious moments as I can. I may be a sinner, but it takes two to tango. I still have one thing that makes me inferior...I am aware of all this! Yes, I might think too much, way too much. And it’s often a curse. But it makes me aware of things. Things you might not even know yourself...so come, share those moments with me...and then, we’ll both fall back again and continue to live our meaningless life. Did we really care for each other? Hard to tell...maybe for that short moment? But wasn’t it all worth it then? It doesn’t matter if you forget me or if you think my life sucks...I know that already...but that’s what I’ve and you don’t...I’m aware of it....and I live for the moment...

Give Metal a chance!

Metal…is there any other music more controversive? I know that many people have prejudices against Metal and see it as something diabolical, evil or they simply think it’s just a loud and noisy nothing...well, surely music taste varies and I won’t blame anyone for liking his kind of music...but I think you should give Metal a chance and try to find a point of view for yourself to understand it. Me for one, I never liked Metal when I was younger. I thought it’s just noisy and obnoxious(probably what many others think too?), but that was also because I never really listened to it or just some songs I didn’t listen to voluntary. Once I overheard some songs I didn’t hate so much, I became kinda curious. And hey, what happened? Over some “softer” Metal songs, I started to like this genre more and more.

Metal is the perfect music to express raw emotions. Pop became quite commercial and genres like alternative may cover the melancholical feelings(bands like Semisonic, Sonic Youth, Smashing Pumpkins or Placebo for example), but
that about all the stress, what about all the anger we carry inside? How to get
rid of those feelings in a heavy dose? I think Metal is the answer to that!

I don’t have to understand the language or hence the lyrics...Metal has the power
to express between the lines what it wants to express...may it be a story of a broken heart, unsatisfied or unhappy love or maybe the death of someone...may
it be critic against others(lots of songs by SOAD) or simply a payback(take Limp
Bizkits “Sour” for example). You can feel that someone else put all his heart into a song and wants to share it with the world in his or her own way. That’s what Metal’s really perfect for! Crank up some good Metal songs, listen to angry guitars and drums and bang your head with the music...and you’ll feel how touched you can be and how much emotions you can feel and how much anger you can relief...I think good Metal might really be one of the last ressorts of
meaningful music, because it carries emotions in such a good way...So hey, give Metal a chance and don’t prejudge it...I’m sure you’ll be surprised what Metal
can do for you:).

(the writerof this song was under the influence of “Asesino – Y tu mama tambien”
while writing this and can only recommend anyone to listen to that track).

Oh dream girl, where are thou?

Do you know this feeling when a dream you have is still in your head for the whole next day? I had such a dream last night...
In my dream, I was hanging out with my old friends from school, Steffen and Jakob. Although I haven’t seen either of them since 2006 in reality, I dreamt about them quite often lately. Usually, the whole scenery had to do with my old class chums too and I think this was the surrounding pictureframe for this dream too.
Unfortunately, I can’t remember the bigger part in the beginning(the one that ended with me, waking up around 3am), but what I kept in mind is that I’ve been with my class(or something similar, it was a group for sure though) on a sort of field trip. I think we were travelling with either an overproportioned plane or a blimp. It was kinda “classy” and “old school” and we landed at this old airfield, kinda like Lakehurst. After the landing, the others were visiting a museum or something like that and we were supposed to stay there for at least until the evening(it was morning when we arrived). I wasn’t really fond on hanging with the group(just like in reality), so I was taking a hike on my own and abandoned them. That’s where a part is missing again(the part “how I met her”, or maybe there was no such parts and my memory is already playing tricks on me?). Anyhoo, I met this really, really gorgeous girl(looked Asian, I think in the dream I thought of her as Chinese) with wonderful, long black n silky hair, beautiful appearance from head to toe, face like a statue(but not motionless, just so royal). She was accompanied by her friend(who wasn’t ugly too). I found myself talking to them and one of the first thing I noticed about her was her huge self confidence, she almost seemed sort of cocky. Nevertheless, I was fascinated by her. Coming to think of it, those really classy chicks with this attitude are the kinda girls I always had a thing for...Saskia, the only German girl that still might get me excited until now had that attitude too when we were younger and kept bossing me and her sister around and eventhough I hated it, she had something about her that I couldn’t resist...the same thing fitted on this Asian girl I had just met.
I wasn’t sure what to think of her and when she and her friend brought me to some sort of shack and started acting all flirtatious and promiscious, I was somewhat disappointed, but also thought I shouldn’t judge them too fast cause assuming usually is a huge mistake. They brought me to a matress or something like that and her friend was taking of her jeans n undies while I was already lying on my back(I think they pushed me down, softly but determined). She was “sitting” over my face with her best parts pointing at my lips...I could smell her odour and I might have even slipped out my tongue and “tasted” her(hell, it was a dream, so don’t crucify me, ok?)...but since this was only her friend and not the girl I had laid an eye on, I was reluctant to do more than that. After her friend saw that her seduction isn’t really working on me, she moved away and the girl I actually wanted came to me. I don’t think there were words involved, but it was like she was telling me with telepathy “Good job, you don’t seem to be like all the other jerks and now I’ll reward you for being nice(r)”. So she came to me and started to go down on me, moving her head quite fast while I was fingering her(did I mention already that she was also “pantless”? If not, she was!). Even now it’s awkward for me that this all happened, but somehow it seems to be normal for my dreams where I meet fascinating chicks, it always spins around sex somehow...the funny part though is that there’s never any actual intercourse...either it just doesn’t happen, cause it’s not really about that or those parts of the dream are just wiped out in the second I wake up...but even in my dream conscience, I can’t remember anything going on...well, nevertheless, as awkward as it might have been, it felt kinda nice...everything was so tender and soft, may it be the way she “served” me or the way she felt. I couldn’t help myself but to feel overwhelmed by romantic feelings(as odd as this may sound). I just felt that I have to “own” this girl, that I had to make her “mine”. And again, without that words were actually necessary, it seemed like we decided simultaniously that we want to be together(forever). The very moment that happened, the whole sex n nudity-thing ended and I think we were hugging each other.
I know that in reality, it is quite impossible for me to feel any feeling close to liking someone or even loving someone, but in my dreams? Oh boy, I was falling for this girl faster than an apple falls from a tree...I would have married her right away and started a family with her and whatnot...it wasn’t just that her appearance was close to perfection(at least for me), well, not just close, she was perfect! But it was more that feeling she gave me...although she had this cocky aura, I felt that it’s a lot of show too...and even it’s a part of her personality, it was rather a turn on and reason to be with her rather than to see it as negative. At least she wasn’t a spineless shallow floozie...
Coming to think of it, most girls in the dreams I had were like that(btw, just for those who think I can only be with Asians: Most of the girls in those dreams were Caucasian)...they have it in common that they are all somewhat rebellish, they are all eyecandys(but not in the “vogue” kinda way), they are all girls I’ve never met, but they also seem to be sooo familiar...all of them seem to have a telephatic communication with me where words aren’t necessary anymore and each dream ends the same way, I wake up before I can actually make the girl “mine” and/or kiss her:(
Same thing happened here...I was just there with her, hugging her, wishing that I’d never wake up and never had to let go when my teacher(or some bozo who was leading the field trip) came a-knockin’ and told me that there’s a problem with the blimp/plane(or whatever our ride was) and that we’d either have to leave now or another day( I think he said both, which doesn’t make sense, but hey, it’s a dream, so what the heck). I couldn’t care less actually, was my most urgent dream to be with this godess and I would be where she is, even if she’s living in abyss...I guess I would have even sold my soul at that time if I could have just spent more time with her...
And I really got some more time with her...we were in some sort of park/mall where people were walking around a big pond, shopping and sightseeing and whatnot...it wasn’t really important to me...what was important to me though was that I was there with HER! We were walking around, I had putted my arm around her and felt a bit silly(but the good way) and like a schoolboy, but soooo happy...quite drunk and stoned on love, I guess...coming to think of it, I think I hardly ever felt that way(at least not as strong) in real life...and the last time I felt a feeling close to this was in 2006, summer. Maybe another sign that my dreams are already overshadowing reality?
Another thing I noticed was that the skies in my dreams were hung with grey and dark clouds, like in ALL(and I mean ALL) my dreams since the last 5 years or so. Nevertheless, it’s not something depressing or gloomy(at least not for me), it’s rather giving the whole thing a post-apocalyptic touch...well, not in this case though...it had the charme of a rainy day and made things actually more romantic.
To get back to the dream: We were walking around this pond, talking about our future(I think?) and we decided to take a picture together. So I was putting my head next to hers and took the photo...funny enough, the picture looked kinda weird...I looked totally different from the way I actually look and I think so did she...
After that, the dream entered that stage between “I’m awake already” and “I’m still dreaming, please don’t end the dream now!”. It felt like someone pulled the plug in the bathtub and the water was creating a twirl around the sink...I tried my best not to get sucked in; would it mean that I had to “wake up” and leave this wonderful world that’s so much better than the depressing reality we call “life”...but I couldn’t:(. It’s moments like that where I hope I could leave my body and move to dreamland or allow doctors to put me in a coma for some years so I could dream of that place again and start a life there.
You may call it escaping from reality(and you may be right about that), but it makes me think why dreams always beat reality and why I can feel so much for them and through them. Even now, 4 hours after I woke up, I am still yearning for that girl, yearning for her touch, her kiss, her proximity...I’d sell everything I have, burn down my house and kill my family(well, ok, maybe not that) to get one day with her in reality...simply because reality bites and I think it’s impossible for me to find someone like her in real life. The girls I fancy are only wandering around in my dreams or maybe in movies, but that’s because those 2 places are both a product of our imagination. Romance is created by imagination too, maybe that’s the reason why I’m quite hopeless? I mean, the girls I meet in my dreams(or sometimes see in movies/series), they tick my way, they think how I think, they feel how I feel and they can understand me, even without words involved. It’s this mutual understanding and this already naive way of feeling about things, despite all the negative things there are in reality...Why, oh why can’t I be there now:(? If I’d know I’d end up there if I’d shot myself in the head now, I’d do it!
BAMM!