Je ne sais quoi...

Have you ever met someone whom you just couldn't forget? Someone who's haunting you, long after they're gone from your life, even following you into your dreams, turning them into nightmares? Making it seemingly impossible for you to have a healthy relationship? It's been happening to me almost 3 years ago. And I still can't, for the life of it, understand what's the reason that it's so hard for me to let this go. I'd met her back in July 2009, knowing her since late 2008. At that time, I was just over my 2nd(and most serious) relationship, which took me over a year. She was 30 at that time, I was 23. I met her on a rather seedy website, but given that I had met a very good friend there 2 years earlier(who was also married at that time, like she was), I figured I shouldn't have prejudices about the site and see the individual behind a profile. This is where I made my first mistake, by thinking that this woman(let's call her I) was just looking for love and affection(and maybe in the wrong places). She had admitted to me that she's married and had affairs(at that time, I didn't know how many). She seemed unhappy and depressed in her life and didn't seem to know why...I felt the same way. That and something about her look made me very interested in her. I hadn't really felt excited or felt butterflies in my stomache since my last relationship(which ended almost 2 years before I met her) and I was surprised by myself and the way I felt so interested with her(compared to others). I didn't know what it was(still don't honestly), maybe her cheeky charme or charisma? There was something about her, a certain je ne sais quoi...it made me so curious about her that I eventually decided to visit her in Bali(a place I had always avoided before for being too touristy and not my cup of tea). A few days before my arrival, I felt quite upset with her though. I had spent a couple of stressful days, trying to find a decent place, not far located from her work place(for her convenience), but she wasn't really very helpful. It seemed like she doesn't even care that I come for her. To be honest, hadn't it been for another good friend that I also met there for the first time, I think I would have cancelled to go there. But I didn't and so we met...although a day later than expected(I was still mad at her the first day). When I first saw her, I was immediately attracted to her...and when I was back at my place, I felt more and more smitten. She acted very coy and shy and told me not to look at her all the time, it'd make her feel more shy. So I exaggerated to "stare in the sky" instead, asking her if she was happy...she came to hug me from behind and wow, did this make me feel happy...I felt so comfortable and excited, just like perfect bliss...we stood there, hugging for a while, before we moved to a bed where we talked a bit, listened to music and kissed each other. One thing lead to another and we both got aroused(although I honestly felt happy to just be with her, I didn't feel we had to go further that time). Yet when she suggested sex, something inside me panicked...I thought "if you don't do it, she might find someone else"...a first indicator and warning sign of how blinded I already was maybe. It was quite special, despite it taking place in the bathroom(the only room in my villa with 4 walls). This had all happened in maybe 1 hour or less, since she came to me after work and had to head home soon after. I accompanied her to her car at least where I also saw a picture of her husband on the backseat(the only time I saw him actually). He didn't look bad. For some reason, I was never really that jealous of him, I rather felt sorry for him. When I asked her if she doesn't feel guilty sometimes, she replied that he doesn't know it, so how could it hurt him? Seemed like a strange logic to me...it was just a harbinger of things to come actually... The next couple of days, we hardly got any time together...her husband was supposed to be away that week, but his plans had changed, so we could only meet for lunch 2 or 3 times. I was quite unhappy with that and felt lonely...maybe that feeling increased my feelings for her? I was thinking whether or not I should tell her and decided to write down how and what I feel instead and not tell her yet. I still thought I was being more rational and less emotional with her than I was in previous relationships. Since we couldn't spend much time together in Bali, I invited her to visit me in Jakarta for 3 days. It wasn't that long, but it would give us some time together. She agreed and I felt happy and was looking forward to it. Those three days that we spent together were some of the happiest days I had in my life. For the first time ever maybe, I felt 100% content with the woman by my side...I didn't catch myself browsing for other girls in the mall or something like that. I was just happy and proud to walk hand in hand with her. But those days came to an end too eventually...it was quite sad when I had to take her back to the airport and see her fly away again. Before her departure, we actually had a fight in the last night. I was eager to find out how she feels about me, but still wasn't sure about it. So I tried to cry some fake tears to cause some kind of reaction(hoping for sympathy, but expecting annoyance). As I thought, she was rather annoyed by it. At that time, I first felt shocked, hurt and sad...but then I also felt a moment of maturity in which I thought "it's sad if someone doesn't feel the way you want them to, but you can't really blame someone for that". I felt that I could have accepted it...but she was somehow so cold and cruel in that moment that I couldn't avoid to say "I feel sorry for your husband". That just angered her further. She threatened to leave if I didn't stop crying. I did. I became eerily calm. It was as if god had touched me with his hand or something...everything around me seemed to slow down and I felt so peaceful. I stared at some knives in the kitchen and thought I should just kill this person who's so heartless with other people's feelings. Of course I didn't do that, but I obviously spooked her quite a bit. Somehow, it helped to get over that fight that time. The next day on the way to the airport, I asked her what we are now...I had her promise me that we'd really try this secret relationship, but I said she should ONLY promise me that if she wants to and can keep it(just as I had asked her if she wants to change her life style prior to meeting her, otherwise I hadn't met her). Sadly enough, she didn't keep any of her promises(but I didn't know that yet at that time). I was quite sad after she left, but a few days later, I already felt better...maybe because I wasn't alone? I felt that the time with her was nice and it'd be great if it'd become more. But if not, I could have accepted that too(at that time). It wasn't until I was back in my country that I felt different about it. I suddenly missed her and stayed up many nights to accompany her in yahoo while she was at work. I was constantly worried she might do something that could hurt me. Step by step, I gave away what little pride and dignity I had left. I became like a toy in her hands. And worst of all, it was mostly my fault. 3 or 4 months after we had met, I found evidence that she actually wasn't keeping her promise at all, but continued to screw around. I had already feared that from day one(a part of me always seemed to know, that's why I wasn't loyal to her either), but it still came as a shock to me somehow. I felt devastated. When I confronted her with what I had found out, she denied it. When I showed her proof, she was just angry at me that I had "stalked her". She didn't even say sorry or anything. That just hurt me more. It was as if she was mocking my feelings for her. I often thought that maybe I had been too lenient and nice with her. She once said I'm kind of like her husband: Too nice and too sensitive. It's true that I can be sensitive, but it's also true that I had been rather coldhearted and numb with anyone I'd dated or been with in the last 2,5 years before I met her. I had given her a special treatment that no one but my second girlfriend got from me(and no one got ever since). I kept pondering if things would have been different, had I been more myself instead of someone I thought she'd need. In my eyes, I assumed she needs someone to love her, despite her flaws...someone who can make her believe in love again. She had told me how she'd been crushed by the guy she'd been having an affair with. Silly, foolish me...curious enough, she told me a year later that she had met said guy again and she felt nothing anymore(while he still did)...that just fits in the picture. Even after what she had done to me, I still tried to convince her to give us a chance(I felt we never really got one). But she refused. The same person who had told me that she's thinking about leaving her husband for me suddenly showed me just her cold shoulder. It was easy for her to say "just get over it, it's the past". Our conversations weren't so good anymore after that. Whenever we talked, I wasn't really hiding my true opinion anymore out of fear of upsetting her. Instead, I told her what I really think. It led to further insights on this woman. At one point, she told me she's "a bitch and proud of it". Or she bragged about sleeping with over 50 guys in a year. I met her again in 2010, hoping it'd show me whether or not I'm really over her. It was a weird meeting. I did feel different about her(for instance, she seemed prettier to me the first times I had met her), but I also still felt that I desire her somehow. We talked about the past and she made that comparison of me and her husband. I asked her what she'd do if her husband did to her what she did to him. She said that'd be fine...since she did it, he should have the same right. I asked again "but what if he doesn't want to do that because he loves you?" She looked at me as if I had said that the sky is green and laughed..."Then it's his own fault if he's that stupid", she said. There were numerous further examples of her...how should I call it? Coldheartedness? Or maybe it's just me who thinks that? We kept talking occassionally, but I started to avoid her. Talking to her just left me with an ill feeling. I asked her why she'd even want to talk to me...according to her, I'd be weak anyway and I hadn't reached my dream yet. When I said that she didn't achieve her dream either and that I was only like this for her, she didn't say anything. To me, you can't be friends if you despise one another or at least have no respect. I simply couldn't forget what she did to me. Is it wrong if I can't? Could you? After a while, I just couldn't take it anymore. I felt that she only talked to me to rub my face in the fact that I'd never get her and that she enjoyed hurting me. Why else would she have to tell me who she plans to fornicate with next? So eventually, I decided to cut all contact. I wrote her a final email in which I said I really hope she can change herself for her own sake and the sake of others, but that I couldn't take it anymore and that I've to proetect myself. Then we didn't talk anymore for a year. All of a sudden though, she popped up again on WAYN. She said I invited her there, but I never sent out any invitations and she wasn't in my messenger list anymore. Either way, she talked to me again. She told me how she came clean to her husband about her cheating and decided to leave him to be with another man(who'd leave his wife for her). Apparently, this had just happened 2 or 3 months after we last talked. I couldn't help myself, but to feel upset. The thought of "if only you had held out longer" crossed my mind. Could it have been me? When we last met in 2010, I had her promise me that I'd be #1 on her list, should she ever be single again. Of course that's another promise she broke. Maybe that's why I can't forgive her? Cause she always made a big fuss about how she's not easy to make a promise, but apparently, it's very easy for her to forget them or break them? I fell in another hole when she told me about those new changes in her life. At that time, I actually was in a new relationship, feeling like I'm finally moving on. But knowing about this made me realize that I still hadn't moved on at all. It destroyed my new relationship(I told my girlfriend about it for the sake of honesty). The only woman who'd ever made me feel really excited since was a woman I met at work. I didn't notice it at first, but she seemed to be a twin of I. She looked similar to her and her personality seemed to be almost the same. A woman like a wild horse, freedom-loving, hard to be tamed. Which made me wonder, is this the only kind of woman I can like? I also wonder why I can't seem to forget I. Do I still love her? I actually hate her for everything she did to me, even for what she did to her husband. If she'd get hit by a bus tomorrow and die, I'd rather feel reliefed and happy than sad. So I can't say I love her per se...I hate who she really is! But I think I still love who I always wanted her to be...who I thought she is...I liked to see her as the victim, as the fallen angel, as a woman who got off the right path...but she isn't a victim, she's the culprit. She isn't demeaned or abused, she's the one who abuses. In her world, there seems to be only space for HER! Nobody else. There are millions of reasons to hate her, to say she's not right for me...I know it with every fibre of my being...and yet, why can I not forget her? Why do I still seem to long for her? I seem to be unable to move one and I'm caught in a dilemma...I love an unreal idol I created and I miss this feeling of love so much that I glorify every memory about it to the max, making it impossible for me to ever give anyone in the present a chance to replace those memories...or that's how it seems...but all I got here is a bunch of theories...many seem to make sense, but none seems to fit 100%...and so I end up with a "je ne sais quoi"...