I want to vomit

What happened to me? What happened to my life? When and why did I turn into such a grim, zynical person?
I start catching myself, being like the people I despise...it’s like a pattern. I have to control myself not to make the same mistakes and yet I’m being weak, I’m not who I want to be.
Life never wanted to know what I want or it didn’t care, but somehow I kept on living, eventhough I was complaining and whining a lot about it...but where’s karma when you need it? How can it be, that everyone’s in this world seems to be so much better off? Why do they have the right to feel this way and I don’t?
At first, I was being amused about those gullable fools who can so perfectly deceive themself about love, being so mysterious and fateful...I thought they’re wrong and I’m right, that I’ve been enlightened and that all this pain life put me through(against my will) should help me to realize that...but now I feel like this is all one bad joke and I can’t find the pun...what the heck is supposed to be funny about me, turning into an emotionally numb zombie, while others, who definitely didn’t act so nice all their life themself don’t have to suffer the same way? Is it only, because I’m the only person on earth who resists to make the same mistake again? Am I the only person, who realized, that love is 95% pain and only 5% joy eventually? Love, hunger, lust, grief, passion, thirst...those are all feelings that won’t last! If we’re hungry, we find something to eat. If we feel lust, we get laid. If we’re thirsty, we drink. And if we love? Well, since it’s no difference, we find someone for some affection and then...I don’t know, that’s where things start to differ...as for me, I find someone for some affection, a hug, a kiss...other people find someone, idolize them, see everything through pink glasses and make marriage plans...they fall head over heels and throw their mind and Reason overboard...and they do it with a smile on their face! It’s kinda like a guy, laughing in an insane way, holding a burning matchstick close to his body, after he bathed in kerosine...why is it only me who seems to see this? Sure, everyone keeps telling me every once in a while that they’re at my side, but they’ll cave in eventually...all of them! I haven’t found one person yet who’s really resilient and resistant...well, except for Chas maybe. But I’ll see about that too.
My point is: Everyone hurted me in some way, everyone pushed me and put pressure on me to give up my dreams, to give up my hopes, to give up my feelings...I didn’t want to, I kept telling myself sweet little lies...but eventually, I snapped and it hurted so badly...and then...nothing! I stopped feeling eventually. It’s like I’ve been a bird and someone cut off my wings and I had to start to walk instead of what I’m supposed to do-flying!
That’s not only cruel, it’s life changing. I don’t think anyone can really understand my situation who didn’t have the same circumstances.
Not everyone has a mother that parents them to always try to please everyone, while he knows he can only fail...not everyone has been mocked around when he was younger, simply because he didn’t want to cave in and play along. Not everyone had to go through the soapopera I call my life.
And what came out of all of this? Just look at me...the kinda guy that you wouldn’t like to introduce to your mother, because you know he’d boink her if you wouldn’t watch...not because he’s really into sex, but just because he likes to be destructive. Whoms only joy seems to be other peoples misery, in order to make himself feel less bad. A guy who’s giving solice to married women or unhappy girlfriends(but they aren’t his). A guy he never wanted to be, but damn, how come the road to destruction was so easily accessable?
It’s not really the envy feeling for happy couples or that I wouldn’t believe in love. I do believe in love, but in a totally rational way. That’s what I became in most sections of my life, a 100% rational person, with no more space to feel. That’s what my exgf always used to tell me: “Don’t follow your feelings, THINK!”
Funny to see how the same girl now seems to follow her feelings only, ignoring her mind. But yeah, that’s her business, not mine.
I am not jealous. I am not envy. I am just so tired and frustrated that nobody can understand me. I am in my personal Babel, nobody can understand what I say and I can not understand the others. My points of view? I have to hide them like a hideous scar in my face, so I won’t scare them away. My own feelings? I learned to keep them bottled up until nobody, not even me could still reach them anymore.
Feeling pity? Sometimes... Feeling care? Yes, I do, that’s what I’ve been parented to almost all my life, to care... but I’m not a 24/7 male nurse, I’m a human being! But I’m from Pluto, while the others are from Mars and Venus.
Whenever I try to spread my message, people face me with anger or no understanding...or worse, they pity me or try to preach me. And I’m becoming insecure...who’s right, me or them? But since life took almost everything from me that ever kept me going, what else do I have in my life? I’m so sure that what I think and feel has to be right and that the others have to be wrong! I can see it in so many cases, in so many examples...if the pattern I found matches for almost everyone eventually, I am right! People just would have to be more selfcritical and awake to appreciate it and to admit that I’m right. Hell, I’m not making this stuff up! I’ve just seen a lot of things in my life already, I’d dare to say I saw more than most of the people at my age. Especially about myself. Because I’ve begun the journey that led me into the depth of my own heart of darkness. And I’ve been going all the way so far...not sure if I’ve begun another round or if there’s still a lot of way to go, but I never stopped walking.
I started to hate myself for being weak, I started to train myself to cut out all those feelings...I start to see feelings as ballast, as something I’ve to get rid off first, before I’m ready to reach a higher level of enlightening. I’ve to prove myself worthy.
I know this probably sounds crazy, but if you think that way, then you didn’t get me anyway...you’ve already lost me when you started reading all of this(and vice versa).
I am not expecting people to love me, because I wouldn’t know one good reason for them to do it. I don’t expect people to pity me or sympathize with me, because I’m not a nice human being. I am selfish, opportunistic, hell, I even seem to be more and more arrogant. But hey, at least I’m aware of it and I’m not wasting my life, lying to myself about it. But I am afraid I’m lying about other things to myself, that a part of me wants to become a gullable simpleton like all the others out there(unless those people I still hope to meet, those who aren’t like that). I have to be stronger, I have to take advantage of the fact, that god or fate or I don’t know who or what made me turn into what I am now...I say what, not who, because I don’t think I’m a regular human being anymore. That doesn’t mean I’m any worse or better...I’m simply different and I’ll hold on to this opinion until I stand corrected. I’m “homo non sentio”-a human being without feelings. At least I’m on my way to be like that.
Time will tell who’s right, the many people who keep telling me that I’ll find my happiness and feeling and whatever eventually, or me, who feels like he never felt before...simply because he sees how nothing really touches him anymore, except for the feelings of anger, hate, sometimes ambition and a diabolical feeling to enjoy the pain of others...not to forget a strong feeling of despising all the people who misjudge me.
A lot of people might want to tell me that I shouldn’t give up, everything would be fine eventually, I’m too gloomy, too dramatic, etc...just beat it, it’s useless...If I know one thing, than it’s myself. I know myself so good that it made me realize that truly knowing yourself gives you the power to know others too...to know who they are, how they are...sure, only up to a certain level, but in many cases, it’s more than what they know about themself.
So yeah, call me cocky, call me “guy with a god complex”, call me all you want. But only if you can truly understand who I am and tell it to me, I might listen to you and try to improve myself, based on what you’ve to tell me. I’m always up for constructional criticism, but only from people who know themself better than I do after a short peek.