Happiness

What is happiness? That's a question that we all ask ourself sometimes(and if we don't, we probably should). Everyone probably has a definition of his/her own, while I suppose, that most definitions are quite trivial and superficial. But maybe I just say that, because I've different perceiptions?

Lately, in class, I said that happiness is the urge to make our personal hopes, wishes and plans come true. In my eyes, that would be a logical and rational description of this state, leaving out the emotional part of this state. But is there an emotional state? Or to ask differently:
Should there be an emotional state?

I know for once, that in my life, happiness had many faces.
I remember when I was still very young(maybe around the age from 6-12 years), I felt quite happy to be at my grandma's place, either playing in the sandbox or roaming over the meadows with other kids or just watching TV at her place(which I wasn't really allowed to do at home). At that time, it was already normal for me that I was growing up without a father figure and mostly parented by women.(Later I got the suspect, that this influenced myself and who I am, but maybe it wasn't so bad after all, as it gave me finer "antennas" on how girls think and it helped me to emphasize and sympathize).

With the years, I probably grew a grudge which I held against my father for hardly being around me(while nowadays, I don't really give a damn no more and lost all feelings of regret).

It was also the time from child to teen, so it's been a time that moulds us as individuals.
Maybe due to bad luck or simply due to the wrong choices(or the right?), I was moulded into a loner, a weirdo(in the other peoples eyes), a fifth wheel...

I simply missed the time when the others started to go to parties and started to experiment with alcohol and cigarettes. At that time, I was in a group of 3 or 4 guys around my age, but I was closest to the one who lived next to me(so the other 2 were mostly hanging out with each other and vice versa).

Unfortunately, he had to relocate back to Berlin, so I was left here alone. The other two already formed a new group and eventhough they still met me and all, it wasn't the same anymore, they were already part of something(and I wasn't).
For a while, I was pretty depressed, probably because a part of me still wanted to be close to my former best friends. But another part of my was very reluctant and I started to think more and more, that I want to fit in, but I wouldn't pay the piper, if the prices was to change myself into something I am not.
And I saw it happening to so many at that time...peer pressure at it's best! You were "in" if you wore the right clothes, went to parties, got hammered and blitzed every weekend and even if you described how you puked all over your girlfriends skirt, the guys weren't really mocking you, but somehow looking up to you(probably already the effect of destroyed braincells in a juvenile brain).

I started to get used to be an outcast, but I felt more and more comfortable with this role, as I saw, that some people really looked up to me, at least for being who I am and having my principles(and to stand up to them). I only had some problems for some years, trying to walk on the edge. It didn't work very well, because I was either black or white, there's no grey in "their" world...and I saw that eventhough there's plenty of grey in mine in all kind of situations, this one wasn't one of them.

So I can't say that I was very happy at that time, and yeah, my depressions reached their peak in 2004/2005. Especially after I finally had found a friend who accepted me for who I am, even more, who was pretty much like me! But, as we all know, destiny's a bitch, and he(who came from Ethiopia) had to move back there.

The only good thing was, that when I met him, I already hit rock bottom, and being with him had helped me to get back on my feet again. So I had better chances to continue my struggle now.

In all those years, my main source of happiness started to vary. While it was mostly reading and watching movies on tv from 12-15, it turned into watching other(deeper) movies, reading(but not as much as before) and playing silly games on my computer, just to distract myself from the loneliness of my being.

Loneliness...this has always been a part of my life over all those years...no matter how hard I tried to do something about it, I just couldn't help myself. My mom was constantly nagging and complaining and she told me I should get out and find some friends, but gee, we all know, it's not that easy, is it? It wasn't hard for me to have tons of acquaintances, I already knew about 20-30 people from playing soccer almost every day at that time. But acquaintances are one thing...true friends are another. I just couldn't feel that those who I tried to "be-friend" had the potential to fill the emptiness in my heart and soul. On the contrary, I felt even lonelier when I was sitting with them. I felt that even though those people are all nice and kind, I'm not one of them, I don't really fit in...and I think they felt that way too.

It's funny though, nowadays, I wonder why I didn't speak up at that time and why I was still trying to fit in for quite long...somehow, it's even pathetic in my eyes.

I guess it changed once again when I had to take the 11th grade again. I found myself in a class room full of people I hardly knew(except for a girl I had a crush on once, who treated me pretty shabby at that time). So I wasn't really that anxious to impress them. As a matter of fact, I was just trying to ignore them. Sure, there were some bullys who tried to mock me, but I just didn't react and showed them, that I really don't care about anyone or anything in that class. I was only responsible for myself and it felt great!
It was also the time, in which I started to break many rules and I skipped class very often.

I started to grow more confidence, as I lost my fear of class tests. I simply didn't care anymore what kind of marks I'd get, so why should I've been scared anyways? And if I had to see the principal again for skipping class, it wasn't that pleasant maybe, but it never really worried me, because I knew that it was the logical consequence of my acting. I tried to explain this to him, and except for the one time, where he asked my mother to come to school to see the both of us, I never had a problem with him(that one time, I just felt upset, because I didn't see any use to bring her in, as she knew that I skipped and she had to take a day off, while I could have talked about this with him myself).

The next step in my development followed, after I came back from taking a cure(Kur) and I worked in a part time job. It helped me to save up enough money so I could fly to Asia(Indonesia) for the first time.

Until that day, I never had a girlfriend or anything suchlike. While all my fellow students had their experience in one or another kind, I had nothing whatsoever. It surely didn't help to have high self esteem, especially since I saw guys(or girls) even uglier than me, having a significant other.
Well, that started to change with my stay in Indonesia. Eventhough my first girlfriend can only run under the category "horrible mistake" or "experiment", she helped me to learn a lot more about girls(and also myself). After my return, I had to digest the pain of a long distance relationship first, but I booked another ticket to Indonesia and returned just 3 months later(I was unemployed at that time).

The interesting part was: I already decided that I'd break up with this girl, since she was obviously lying to me and probably cheating too(although I didn't trust the rumours I heard too much, after I learned by myself, how bad assumptions are).

And yet I had to learn another lesson, which was, that a break up isn't so easy, if you want to be fair in your life. I just couldn't find a good reason(other than my suspects) to break up with her...so I learned, that I can't always play fair, I've to play dirty sometimes, unless I want to be other peoples doormat.

I already dated another girl right after(actually already before) the break up. I had maybe the best summer of my life with her and it was the time, when I really felt happiness! Looking at it now, I'd say that at that time, happiness meant for me:
-to have a new motivation in my life

-to have someone who can give me affection

-to have someone I can give affection

-to help someone handling his/her problems

-to have a new reason to wake up in the morning



Writing this down now, it's something that I can't understand emotionwise anymore...I can just remember, that this was probably what I felt back then. But as the relationship wasn't really a good one(and this girl wasn't a good match), I had hard times to face.

Over the next 11 months, I felt like I've to carry the problems of two persons(mine and that girl's) while I was constantly blamed and put under pressure. She also blackmailed me emotionally.
What's hard to understand for me now, is why I did all this...I could just blame it on monkey love or being naive, but I think I know the true reason.

Now for that, you should know, that I'm a pretty selfish person. Since I was born, I tend to think quite opportunistic and try to get what's good for me. Many times, I disguise my intentions, so other people might even think it's a fair deal(or even better deal for them as for me), but that's just a sign that my evil plan worked well(in such cases).

Same goes for this relationship. I had learned from my first relationship, that relationships in general(and being in love specifically) can give me something that material things(like books, movies, etc) couldn't give me. In my family, I felt no love either(expect for my cat, my brother and my grandma maybe), so it's no wonder that I started to concentrate all my love in just one person...

I made a mistake when(after it ended), I blamed the conditions. Actually, I could have only said: "Hm, crap, my plan didn't work 100%".

Because that's what it's actually been...a scheme, a plan! My plan was, to abuse someone emotionally(sort of), because let's face it, isn't love something like a symbiosis? It's supposed to be mutual, but we're all big takers when it comes to "love". Nobody is with someone else, if he doesn't get something for it. Either we get respect(for instance if our partner is very attractive) or it boosts our confidence(again, if a partner is attractive, we might feel proud that we "conquered" him/her) or even if it's just for a simple feeling(because we feel happiness for the fact that we are with someone out of pity OR if this person shows us affection and we feel happy for that reason, but if the other person wouldn't do that, we wouldn't be with him/her, now would we?), we always get something and take it. There's no welfare in the "love business".

So in my case, I had motivation and a feeling. Not that much, but it was enough for me to fight for it with teeths and claws...

The biggest problem was, to disguise my intentions. I had to make my partner believe, that she's the one who's in charge and maybe even that she's the one who has a benefit to be with me, that she's the one who abuses me(because I think most people get their kick out of this in a relationship, due to the reasons I describe above).

It worked pretty well, but of course, it came with a price. In this case, the price was, that I had to lower myself and give away almost all of my dignity by acting pretty much like a slave. I had to bottle up my true feelings(for example if I was mad) and had to accept, that there was no mutual behaviour whatsoever! Just for instance, I was never allowed to meet female friends or acquaintances, while for my counterpart, it was just fair and square to meet and flirt with just any guy she wanted to meet(or flirt with).

Most people would have shown her the bird and just went for someone else, but I felt like I already "invested" too much effort and money into this relationship to give up(a good sign that I was already quite a clear thinker than being emotional). Besides, I'm quite stubborn...

And I made the same mistake like in my first relationship, I glorified my partner and my love(which I really felt) wasn't for the real her, but just for the image I still had in my head after our first few encounters(while this couldn't have been further from reality!).



Well, I don't want to bore people now with the whole story of this relationship(if you can call it that, maybe it was more of an experiment on human behaviour?). The thing was, once I realized that I never really loved this girl, that I had just glorified her, I could move on.


But while other people by moving on mean, that they find another girl or something like that, I had no such intentions. I was rather mad and angry at myself. So much time wasted, so much anger never released(and now it was too late). I realized, that this whole experience just led to three things:
1. I hold a grudge against girls and don't trust them anymore

2. I don't believe in love(at least not in a romantic way, just in a plain rational one)

3. I lost most of my feelings



Well, this is pretty much the current situation. I am pretty sick and tired of people and their vows on love, I can't stand to hear how they'll "always be together", as I simply know better and I think of girls in a worse way than before.
While before all of this, I still thought that girls really are a bit more mature than most guys, I just saw that most girls are even stupider and worse. I never thought good of guys, they simply are pretty stupid and moronic, but girls always claim to be sooo much better...but gee, that's totally not true! I met so many girls in my life now, and no matter how old they are(and I dated 40 year old women already), they are all alike. We ALL are alike, at least pretty much.

And without that I want to sound cocky or special, but what I feel is, that I'm just not like either side. Like I mentioned far in the beginning, I was parented mostly by women, so I have a strong feminine side. I don't feel 100% as a boy, yet I don't feel like a girl either...I just feel alienated and like I've no true identity. The things that I really like and the crazy thoughts I have is something I couldn't find(at least not completely) in anyone yet. It's already hard to find people with a good intellect, who read more than Vanity Fair or such stuff, who'd appreciate good, deep movies, philosophy and such things...but it's even harder, to find people to which I could be really blunt about my thoughts and my strange ideas...simply because most people are "mainstream" and "simpleminded", they're following the herd like sheeps. I admit that in some cases, I do that too, but I still feel like I've some integrity and I feel like on a eternal search for minds being likewise.

So if I'd have to say what's happiness for me, right now? I'd say, happiness would be, to achieve this aim, to find someone who can truly and completely understand me, who doesn't judge me, someone in front of whom I don't have to pretend or wear a mask, where I can truly be myself.

That would make me "happy"...even though we'd have to see if it's in the long term...only time can tell...