Reversed Harbinger

Maybe it's a bit late to write all this, since many impressions and especially thoughts are already lost forever, or at least deep down in my mind, but I'll try...

First of all, I should mention, that I've been to Indonesia 6 times now, starting with my first trip there in March 2006. Ever since, I've been there 5 more times. The 2nd time was July 2006, the 3rd time was December06/January07, the 4th time was March/April 2007, the fifth time was August 2007 and the last time was August/September 2008, the last two trips included shorttrips to Singapore.

The first visit was quite an eyeopener to me about this country, and it's been my first trip alone. On the downside, I didn't really get to see too much(I never saw too much of the country actually) and I didn't take too many memories and impressions, but it was a start.

What I've still in mind until now is not my rather crappy first gf(who was 50% of the reason of me, going there, the other half was pure interest in Asia), but all the melancholy moments I had in my room there, watching Seinfeld and such things...I also remember my last day there, talking to some guys from the street and my last shopping spree...yeah, but that's pretty much it.

As for my second trip, it's been one of my best stayings there. Going there actually, to be there for my first ex gfs birthday, I already knew that I'd end that relationship(due to her flirting and her "promiscious behaviour"), but I was still pretty naive and it took me some time. In the meantime, I met my second gf, which, at that time, made quite an impression on me...thinking of it now, I think the glory's gone, it's actually nothing special anymore...but back then, it was the beginning of something very special for me and I thought of it for...well, about 18 months.

My third stay was kinda crappy, as I already knew the city quite well, wanted to see other places, but I was too emotional at that time and thought I'm in love, so I was mostly crying and feeling miserable...in the same time, it was also the beginning of me, being less naive and more confident, thinking of my own needs too, instead of the needs of my gf only.

I'm not sure, looking at it now, if I should regret what I've done back then(which I won't mention here, let's just say that the angel lost his innocence). In some way, it might have been a harbinger to start up some improvement in my life...in some way, it might be bad, because it's also the beginning of the process of me, losing all my (positive?) feelings.

After this third visit(and before), I was in my most fragile state...I had to carry not just my own depressions and problems, but also those of someone else(it's been my own fault though). Thinking of it now, I can't really understand myself anymore, it was never worth all the trouble and I'll never do all this again, not even if I'd ever be married(which I doubt btw).

It was also the time, in which my life and my future was on the edge...but thanks to god, he gave me a second chance...of course I had to struggle harder, but I got a second chance.

Unfortunately, my metamorphose wasn't completed yet, and even though my brain seemed to be awake from it's Cinderalla sleep now, I completed the "we-knew-it-couldn't-work" story and "read" the last chapters, just to see that I was right and already knew the ending...

But maybe I had to do that as a part of my development?

Anyhoo, the 4th trip became sort of a drag, since I was more aware of the unfairness and lack of mutuality now, so I was fighting back, yet I forced myself not to freak...which now I know, I should have done back then...so more time was wasted, and there's not too much to say about my trips number 3 and 4.

I came back for a fifth time, but I realized, that I'm not really going there anymore for a specific person, I'm going there for nobody but myself and the country itself! And eventhough I was in a "relationship", I never felt that way(probably because in my last weak moment of emotionality, I agreed to be in one, eventhough I never had any feelings like that).

So of course, this time I really made use of my new status and did what I wanted, and not what other peoples wanted me to do or to want or to feel...I was free!And in this one week of freedom, I learned more about myself and others than in all the years before. I saw how easy it is, to go down the path of evilness and I saw that I can be quite a pain in the ass if I want to...and, even more interesting, I saw that I totally didn't care about that! I just had enough probably, of all the "being commanded" and never speaking up before, that I had to go overboard a little(sexually), maybe also to see, that it's not really as great as most people say...

I think it was the breaking point...the point at which I was exactly in the middle between old, naive Florian, who's innocent and does everything for his relationships, even he got this great talent to pick the crappiest girls who give him nothing but headaches and between the current Florian, who has no such feelings like pity, love etc, whatsoever and who's just a cold thinker and being plain rational instead of emotional. Sure, there's still some pity or care, but that's just for people who never did anything to me, and it's more or less just good manners.



So all signs were set to storm when I went to the airport for the sixth time in 2.5 years to fly to Indonesia...

I remember that I felt kinda funny at the airport, quite alienated...I saw all those people from all kind of countries, frolicking happily around the airport, looking forward to fly to their destinations or getting back to their homes...

Homes...yeah, it seemed like they all knew, where to find THEIR home...and that insists that they all FELT home somewhere...

Not me...I felt not home in Germany at that(or any moment), and neither did I feel, like I'd really feel at home in Indonesia...let's face it, with no sugar coating, Indonesia's not heaven on Earth either, mostly because I can't seem to find what I'm looking for in there either.

Anyway, at that time it was too late, and I was on my way already...

The whole travelling process is something, about which I've mixed feelings...it can be kinda nice to get to know travel acquaintances(like exchanging names and adresses, although you know, you'll never talk to each other later anyways), but it's really annoying me, how passengers insist, to put their seats in a downward position...don't they know, that it's making the flight even more uncomfy for me? And then the food in planes...always been a target of comedians, I can't say much about it that hasn't been said yet, but even though I used to look forward to it in the past, it seems like they never update their menue, it's always the same kinda stuff...well, maybe if you're already treated like cattle, you may as well get the same food, I guess...

So yeah, not too much to say about the trip, unless that Emirates really starts to suck big times(more about that later) and I hate those safety announcements in English AND Arabic...those stupid Arabs should learn English or go, f**k themself, why do I need to hear this crap 2 times? It's just interrupting valuable time in which I could watch some movies or stuff, but no, they HAVE to force me to hear this shit...I mean, in a real case of emergency, I bet NOBODY will respect or remember the safety rules, so what's all the hassle about?



Yeah, anyways, I arrived in Jakarta after a 15 hour flight(6.5 to Dubai, 8.5 to Jakarta) and I was beat...then, it seems like more and more stupid Europeans seem to fly to Jakarta, which is really annoying for me, cos I hate those idiots...ok, the Indos in the plane aren't much better honestly, they never knew how to line up and always cut lines, but at least they don't block the visa counters...but the Europeans and Americans and all those:S?Gee, it seems like they never heard about the visa process, they just slow me down...and as nice as Soekarno Hatta looks from the inside(and has this specific odeur I start to like), I don't want to live there...

So I finally got passed the immigration and came to the "VIP area"...I kinda hate to go out there, everyone's starring at you and many guys offer you to carry your stuff or a taxi or all that stuff I don't really need...thanks god it was down to a minimum and I walked straight to my friend Dian, who was already waiting for me. After we hugged each other and she introduced me to her mother(who accompanied her), we went to the car of some guy she met at the airport and who took us to my guesthouse in town.

After arriving there, checking in and taking a shower and a nap, my stay in Jakarta really began. But what was I supposed to do with my time there now?
Learning from the past, i didn't make a big plan(cos you can't really do that in Indonesia, unless you're totally on your own, and even then, it's limited). I just wanted to enjoy my time there, do some of my tasks I'd planned to complete there and tried to meet up with my "friends"...well, some of them WERE(and still are) friends...but friendly speaking, a lot of those people, that pretty much everyone here at friendster or myspace or anywhere calls "my friends" were just a bunch of immature, spoiled brats, who made me just really mad.

It's one thing, if you're coming late(which is a common Indonesian attitude for many,yet not all), but iT's another thing, to give you stupid excuses or no reason at all...some people never showed up, some simply assumed a lot of bullshit about me and some were stalking me...

And I must say, it's just too much for me now...I won't judge a whole nation and it's people for the mistakes of a few, but if those few become many, and if those many are stealing my time, it's really making me angry...

After all, I'm trying to find people in my life, whom can truly understand me, who I am, why I am this way, and who don't push me to anything or try to pull my leg over and over again.

It seems that almost everyone I met(those who are the exception should know it, so if you feel offended by what I say now, you're NOT the exception, you dumbass!) was totally immature, unfair, totally spoiled, kinda bitching with me and others, really naive and/or shallow...the list goes on and on...

I already "left" Germany and gave up about most people here, because that's actually the way I saw most Germans for 22 years...but being in Indonesia more and more often, I'm really amazed in a negative way, of how badly things are over there...it's not like there's a lack of education(which I could excuse, due to poverty in some cases), but it's moreover the ignorance and the missing will to learn anything new or important in their live...

Those people I'm talking about just surpress the reality, if it comes in their way, they bend the truth and reality until it fits with them and their lifestyle...they claim to be mature and superior, but they're just totally pathetic...the worse thing is, they piss you off perfectly, by dragging you, into their fucked up world, then they leave you there, just leave completely, and you get no chance at all to get rid of them, because they're too cowardly and timid to show up again. They don't reply SMS and don't answer the phone, if you try calling them.

Now THAT'S what I call "mature behaviour";)

But of course it's ME who gets the blame, cos they use their poor analytic skills on me, trying to put me into their two-colored world, in which, of course, i don't fit in...preaching about me and my lifestyle, while they don't know NOTHING about me...and giving me smartypants answers about "not judging the book by it's cover" and other contradictions...

And I've just had it with them, I just don't want it anymore...it happens OVER AND OVER AGAIN! Those who didn't piss me off this way, bored me in another...and those who keep showing me the silver line on the horizon must get good drugs or they simply don't get me, cos there's no silver line for me, but I see things from another angle, from another point of view.

Maybe this is, where I, with all due respect, and without that I want to sound cocky, where I felt, like I really beat them in every field(except stuff like drinking and partying).

I AM more mature than them, I think about the future(maybe too much, but that's a problem, for which you have to reach a certain level anyway) and it's just impossible for them and me to meet on the same intellectual level...

I know this really sounds cocky, but is it my fault, that most people simply tend to deceive themself all day, all life? There could be many like me, if they'd just open their damn eyes and take a look at reality! But they prefer to keep trying converting me...or they try to brand me as an outcast...poor fools, don't they know that I'm an outcast by nature? I'm ok with being one, cos that's my choice and I even see it as my honour, because at least it declasses them from me(that's at least how I see it) and makes me somewhat special...because it takes guts to stand up for your own opinion and your own standards, and if they don't like it, their bad, not mine...

And if being me means, that I'll be single forever, then be it! I can deal with it, while those people are lying, lying and lying again...mostly to themself...it's so easy to mess with them and to manipulate them...and sometimes again, it's almost impossible, cos their plain stupidity gets in the way...they're like lemmings, and instead of saving them for a really funny and entertaining death(in which you could lead them easily, metaphorically speaking), they already fall off the cliff, not even realizing it, still having a goofy smile on their face...and yet it's me again who loses in such a case...

So in conclusion, I've had it with those idiots...I decided now, that such things like love and marriage are things for simple minds...at least if you see it on a level of pure emotions...I have no emotions for those, and I doubt that I'll have them in the future...and those people who want to feel pity for me now or preach me, remember, you probably haven't been on the other side yet, so don't speak, if you don't know what's my language, ok?

I guess I lost my place somehow, since I wanted to talk about my trip, but what's left to tell there? I had some more encounters over there(in more than one way), most of them were a bit of an eyeopener to me and gave me valuable experience and teached me more about myself and my life and how to play with humans...but the best part of my trip was probably to achieve 2 goals and to add more value to my daily life(talking about piracy and food) with the few things that still make me happy...and to see, that I'm still not done yet(and far from it) to find someone who can really understand me or the way I think. I've to continue to find a common language, since this blog hasn't been an eyeopener to anyone yet...

But I feel confident, since I'm writing more and more blunt, less and less caring about other people's opinion or feelings...maybe sooner or later, I'll write down just everything I ever did, uncovering all the secrets I'm still withholding...

Anyways, thanks for reading this(whoever did so), if you read this whole blog, please spare me the shallow answer, try to read between the lines or keep it for yourself, I really don't want to moan over more misinterpretation or suchlike.

Terima kasih/Thanks/Danke/Gracias/Gracie/Merci/Domo Arrigato/Spatsiba