Impressions

Sunday after Sunday, I’m sitting in my room and I’m totally depressed…today was rather lucky, because I could at least cry(which I hardly can, even if I want to), but usually it’s even worse…
Usually, I can only sit around or lie in my bed, feeling so completely hopeless and fucked up...not capable to feel the smallest glance of hope or to see the smallest ray of light...
And somehow, nobody understands the way I feel...
The names of those who tell me that I wouldn’t be alone, because I’d have “many friends” is legion, but they don’t know me either...they think they are my friends or that they know me...but even if I wish they would, they don’t...nobody really knows me, and I hardly know anyone who’s getting close...
It’s just a difference if you just know people and you have lots of acquaintances or if you REALLY k now someone and you have some sort of soulbonding relation between each other...and that’s something that I can’t find in any of those so called friends...
I don’t blame them, I just wish people would understand my situation, it would be a first step to understand EACH OTHER. But why do I feel like we’re from two different worlds?
I just can’t get used to the common lifestyle of the majority of the inhabitants of this planet...
And they aren’t capable or willing to understand me and tolerate me. I’m always somewhat of an outcast or totally misunderstood or neglected.
Maybe I wouldn’t even mind that, if I didn’t have to interact with other human beings all the time, being part of what we call “civilisation”...but I have to, so it’s quite tricky.

This summer showed me once again that instead of somehow catching up, I’m just drifting apart further and further...also from who I was...
I already changed last summer, but if I compare the summer of 2007 and the summer of 2008, I can see yet another change...and I don’t know if I’ve to say a change for good or for bad...

An important sign of this change is my loss of emotions and the tendency to become more and more rational and a cold, logical person. It seems like there’s no more space for emotions in my heart and my soul...I don’t feel love anymore, neither for others, nor for myself.
What is love anyway? I’ve asked myself this question over and over again, but my explanations vary and change...
Currently, I’d say that love is more or less dellusional. People may think that I am too self confident maybe or that it’s daring to say so, but I dare to say it anyway: I feel like love is something for simple minds! It’s something that’s like a “disease” for the common people, the average Joe...or in other words, love is sort of like the hindrance you’ve to overcome in the way of logic and rational thinking. And so are all likewise emotions.
But what would be the aim? And where’s the crossroad where we can decide which way we can go? How come that I can’t remember deciding to go the way of cold, cold logic instead of the way of emotion?And where does this path take me? Is it more or less like this, that your life is somehow destined and that if you follow the (more common) path of emotion, you will live a life full of emotions, with all the benefits(which?) and disadvantages?And if you follow the path of logic, you will choose the rather special and desolate path of great thinkers and pioneers, of people who made a difference in this world, because they were so different from the others?
If this would be how it is, then wouldn’t it mean, that we AREN’T the architects of our own future? Does every single one of us really have his/her own destiny, which he/she has to follow, no matter what?
I just wish I would know the answer to these questions...maybe it would be easier to accept your destiny if you know that it’s inevitable?
I can’t help it, but I’m actually not a friend of destiny, by which I mean, I don’t believe in destiny too much. It’s just against all Reason for me, to think that we our actions have no influence on the future, or that our actions in the present, which create the future, are already destined from the long past...
I see too many people around me every day, living their lives without any certain plan or destination....they have this awful “let it flow” attitude which makes me mad!
And yet it’s like fighting windmills, if I’m getting upset about this, since their number is legion and it seems to be impossible to “convert” them.
Do I even want company on my journey, my struggle? Or do I subconsciously enjoy to be somewhat special and extraordinary? Maybe I’d just need one or a few persons who really understand me completely so I wouldn’t have to feel that alone anymore...
While for now, I feel like I’m a total alien, not belonging here...