Anger...

Gee, what happened to me? I feel like I live in different lifes, in different worlds...2 worlds, both not complete as a standalone, but merged into one, they make somehow sense(almost). Just kept together by insanity, music and the repeating daily life, that shows no mercy whatsoever and keeps sucking our energy, until we’re left in our empty shell...
In a few days, I’ll fly to Indonesia again...and who am I right now? Time for some remeninisce...
It’s just 16 months ago, that I’ve been on my way to meet “wifey”. I still had feelings, I was still somehow innocent. I still believed in some lies which are part of our life and I had higher moral values and standards. Well, that’s so yesterday already...and after my arrival, I had such emotional moments(e.g. the airport, TA, the nights in my room or in the car when I thought about “her”)...
And now? Now I seem to be quite a reckless person, a counterfeit of the old me...still looking the same on the outside, but totally different on the inside. Now I know, I’ve said this many times before, but I feel like it’s getting more and more drastical...I feel like I start to drown in a web of lies, lies that I’m telling myself in order to function...And gee, how heartless I became! Just last week, I told this guy who tried to be my friend for almost a year, that I don’t really care about him anyways and that I’m more worried about the book of mine that he still got than about him...and do I feel remorse? NO! None whatsoever! I just feel quite pissed off with him and his pseudointellectual blabber, with all his complaints and whining(on a high leve, I might add). He already “died” in my eyes when he told me for the first time that friendship doesn’t excist and that I’m not a friend either. Gee, he really didn’t get my point then. I told him right from the start that I don’t believe in friendship anymore and that it takes a lot more than his silly thoughts about how friendship is to really get into me.
Too timid to tell me things face to face, he always complained about me behind my back...and started to find other friends, but failed(he could have realized by that, that for some people, it’s just impossible to find happiness from human bonding cos it takes rare special persons for that, but of course he’s too young and not mature or selfcritical yet to understand and realize that). So yeah, he just kept blaming me, that I’d complain too much, that life is hopeless, that he wants to die and all...gee, I just couldn’t hear it anymore. Too many times did I waste hours of my private time to talk to him, trying to convince that there’s a sense after all... maybe it’s not nice to tell white lies, but I think I had my generous moments and felt like he’s my protegé...anyhow, he didn’t listen to what I said(just to realize later that I was right, although he didn’t admit that I told him about this first) and just kept up with his selfish act. Of course, I’m the last one to blame anyone for being selfish, since I am quite an opportunist myself...but I’m someone who prefers honesty and I’m kinda blunt. He wasn’t...he always showed his double standards and how he thwarted himself because he said this, but did that.

So am I a bad person, because I told him frankly how he’s pissing me off? Maybe for some people I am...but I don’t give a damn! I’ve been mocked around long enough, I don’t need that anymore. And if life teached me one thing, than this:
Life’s a bitch and you’ve to be kinda bitchy yourself with it in order to survive!
So yeah, I don’t give a damn with all those fake people, all those damn bloody hypocrites. I won’t waste any second with them(unless I play with them for my amusement) and I’ll concentrate myself on the few persons who are meaningful to me...
Of course I won’t mention these people here(cos I don’t want anyone to harm them, just cos they might hate me). But I have a caring side after all...I surely care for “wifey” and I care for some family members(though not all) and I care for another person who’s quite close to me at the moment. I may not be able to feel love at the moment(or forever), unless for “wifey” maybe, but what the heck...you’ve to be delirious to think that love is everything in life or that it’s more than the adding of a few lucky and happy moments. I think it’s better to live for the moments and to try to assure that you’ll have more of them a plenty, then to cry and whine about the misery today. Cos after all, what can you do? Get mad, be on a killing frenzy, but don’t show weakness! If you get smacked in the face, laugh! If someone tries to rip out your heart, show him that you don’t have any anymore...and concentrate on the very few people who’re actually worth all the trouble...but don’t waste any more time on all the rest. Being nice doesn’t pay off that much and the nice guys are only good for one thing: To be abused by the bad guys!