Do you know this feeling, when a certain odeur or song or maybe a (scene from a) movie reminds you of something pleasant in the past? When you’re overwhelmed by melancholy and you’re yearning for the past?
That’s what’s happening to me lately(and ever since)...I can’t stop thinking about the time from March 200 until April 2007...I’m smolding in memories...
These days, I’m killing time, watching SEINFELD on dvd. Seinfeld’s something I used to watch on Star Channel during my first stay in Indonesia in March 2006...I still remember my first night in Jakarta, after my arrival at the airport. I just met my first gf at that time, and it was a very strange feeling(due to her strange behaviour). As far as I can remember, she cooked something for me that evening, and then she had to go home and I was left alone...in a strange country, with no one around, no one to talk to...in my first night, I eventually started crying, I’m not sure anymore if it was happiness(cos I couldn’t believe my luck) or sadness.
But I still remember watching several episodes of Seinfeld, every evening, usually after I accompanied my gf to her taxi...now that I come to think about it, I think it shows, that I had high hopes in this girl, but she smashed them from day one...and to escape from reality, and to keep the illusion, I was deceiving myself. I didn’t want to “wake up” from my nice dream(and being in a relationship had always been my number one aim in life until that day).
So I was pretending to myself and my gf, that it’s all about her and she’s my world...but to avoid to drift off to insanity, I was assimilating my environment(which was Indonesia at that time).
Under those special circumstances and conditions, is it any wonder that I now have such a strong affection to this country? It’s been like an empty shell, and I put all my hopes and dreams, all my illusionary and real things, simply everything that says ME into it.
Indonesia became more to me than just a simple country or a spot at a map:
It became a part of me, it’s running through my vessels like my blood.
Although this first relationship wasn’t lasting for long, I can now see that the conditions( being with someone who obviously isn’t too mad about you) still kept a certain distance between me and the country...but that all changed so much on my second visit.
In July 2006(I won’t ever forget the date), I landed in Indonesia again. Some things already felt like routine(like the pick up from the airport and the ride to Permata Hijau), while other things were new(the first ride was during day time, now it was 9 pm and dark outside).
But some things never change...even I was dying to sleep WITH my gf(not talking about sex), I had to sleep alone once again...and I was having bad luck, since my shampoo in my suitcase had been damaged, and it spilled my clothes, my books,my CD...just everything!
I’ve done a lot of thinking at that time...because it was an akward situation...I felt very tensed, like I didn’t want to lose any time...my first relationship was already dying at that time, and I was very eager to meet someone else(she became my 2nd gf then), but I had to get rid of my first relationship first...
But due to an experience about assumptions I’ve made a few months before, I wanted to be very careful, I didn’t want to make any mistakes I could regret later...
So it took me a few days to make my decision. What surely had a very strong influence on me, was the fact, that I met my 2nd gf behind my 1st gfs back(I was very pissed off, that even after 2 days, there wasn’t any progress to see) and going out with her, always at a night time(it was always dark outside) satisfied a primal urge in me...a primal urge to have some romantic moments, to have a real “date”, to have butterflies in your stomache...and that’s all been something that’s been suffocated in my first relationship, but now I could just give in to the feeling, and it felt so great!
I still remember, how especially the song “Sudah” by Nidji brought me into a very melancholy mood...I think we’ve been listening to this song, while my 2nd gf and her best friend brought me back to my apartment the other day. That song was brand new at that time, and even I didn’t understand a word(at least back then), I really loved the opening of that song...it just matched so well with the image of my heart and feeling inside...
And driving around in a big city at night, holding hands, looking in each others eyes like dorky teenagers with a huge crush on each other...those were the ingredients I’ve been searching for so long, to bake a cake of love, made out of my heart’s cooky dough...
So is it any wonder that I didn’t want to listen to the warning signs? Maybe I could have seen it coming, but at that time, everything just seemed too perfect...
After a couple of really wonderful and enlighting moments, I knew that I prefer to be with this girl, much more than with the other girl...Because she could satisfy my urge for romance, my urge for butterflies in my stomache, my urge for all the things I’ve been dreaming of when I was little...
As people may know, I’ve never had a gf until a few months after my 20th birthday...so it was a very long time, to dream and plan the situations to come...maybe too long?
Plus, I didn’t have the time other young folks had...my whole love life, my whole romantic sceneries, my dreams, everything...it all had to happen in a month or less...dating each other, getting to know each other, falling in love...all those things had to happen in such a short time, is it any wonder that the result was far from being perfect?
But then again, I wouldn’t wanna miss that time...this wonderful, wonderful, almost neverending hug, the first time I met her...the way I felt when she was holding my hand while driving...how she whispered in my ear that she begs me not to hurt her, while I was sitting at the windowsill with her, with her friends being in the other room...she, having tears in her eyes...me, having butterflies in my stomache, and ignoring, that I didn’t really love her as a person( I simply didn’t know her well enough yet), but loving the feelings she gave me, and therefor loving her out of pure graditude...at least that’s what I think that it is now...
Because I really remember it very well, how I felt very guilty with her...I surely liked her, and I surely loved the way she made me feel...but maybe I was just being too overwhelmed by those feelings I had to wait for so long? Other teens had 4-10 years to develop and enjoy those feelings...and I had them for not even a month, being so overwhelmed...it was like being totally stoned, due to an overdose of romantic!
And yes, I’ve made many mistakes...too much of them?Probably...it doesn’t matter anymore if there’s someone who should be blamed...I’m just grateful for the time and those feelings...
Something, that is really like a bridge, back to those times, are two tv shows I haven’t seen in Germany ever...these shows are “Dragonball” and “Yu Yu Hakusho”(especially this one).
Due to the fact, that both, my 1st and my 2nd gf were still studying at that time, I had to wait for them to be done so I could meet them. And while I was waiting, I didn’t have anything to do, but to watch tv...kinda hard, if 90% of the programme is held in a language you can’t understand...so I choose the only 2 channels, also broadcasting in English...and due to an coincidence(or not?), I was watching “Animax” at that time. Especially those 2 shows caught my attention, maybe because Dragonball had a good story, and Yu Yu Hakusho was quite catchy, plus, it wasn’t that kiddie-like like most other shows there...
So because I really started to like these shows, I also came to watch them with my gf being around me...I built a certain “relationship” to the whole scenery BEDROOM-TV-GIRLFRIEND-APARTMENT. The whole thing became like a bookmark to/for my memories...
And everytime I’m thinking about the past again, I’m also thinking about these shows...it isn’t really about what actually happened in the show...it’s more like a symbol, a metaphore...it’s like the entry to my memories, leading further, to the real precious memories...like I was dancing in the Indonesian rain the other night...or how we drove through the whole city after a wedding, being kinda tired, having a fight before...but finally feeling, like we both need and want and love each other...
It’s hard for me to say if I finally fall in love or not...maybe this one day, when I was invited and asked to join her to a wedding of her friend, and I was being quite a pain in the ass until I finally agreed to go with her(cos I realized that she wants me to come, and I realized that I want to please her),maybe this one day was a turning point.
And the funny thing is...either “Yu Yu Hakusho” or “Dragonball” was on, when I had such deep thoughts...like when I realized, that this girl(my 2nd gf) really seems to care for me, to need me, to love me...and that I’d be stupid to let her slip through my fingers...onto that point, I was rather enjoying my freedom(it was the first time in my life since years, that I didn’t think too much, I just did whatever I felt like) and being carefree...
So it might be difficult to explain(and even harder to understand) why I love my memories so much...but I’m really yearning for those days...I’m dying to have the same feeling again, and I’m totally desperate, because I never felt anything equal...
When my trip finally came to an end, and after she brought me to the airport, I was actually a little bit surprised, that even though I missed her, I didn’t cry...but before I entered the plane, she called me, with a tear-suffocated voice, telling me that she’d love me...
And when I sat down in the plane, I knew that this is it: It’s absolute happiness and satisfaction, I couldn’t feel any better and happier than this! And I prayed and asked god, that if I have to die, I hope it would be just right now, because I’d die as a happy man!
Somehow, I wish I could cry while I’m writing this...it is definitely very painful for me to remember all of this...but it’s a very pleasant pain, a melancholy...this time may never come back, those feelings may never come back...but at least I’m having my memories as my own shelter, from this cruel, harsh world...I can always remember, that, even it was just for the wink of an eye, but I had found perfect happiness...and even many things went the wrong way afterwards, but at least onto that point, I’ve nothing to feel bad about, because I’ve reached such a stage of personal enlightning.
So I guess the title of the song is quite true...Sudah...over...it’s over, yes...I’ve to accept the fact, that my days of innocence, my days of naive fairy tale love, of bittersweet romance and romantic feelings, wonderful dreamlike rides through the night and the magic of moments, happening for the first time ever, are over...and I know that nobody and nothing will or can ever make me feel this way...
I was holding on to this relationship, even when everyone else could see that it’s not good China or porcelaine, but just simple clay...but I did it for a reason! And this reason is my wish to never forget...to never forget what happened, what happened inside of me, and what happened around me.
I can’t say what love is anymore...I might be a heartless and a cold person now...but at least I know that it’s not always been like that, and that I’m still able to feel some love...and this love is the love for my memories...
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