Another weekend…and once again, I made a few more steps to my grave…there's not much that actually happened this weekend…but that's already a constant state in my life, it's always the same shit! And no matter what I tried so far, nothing can change it...I was quite optimistic and actually, I've been looking forward for this weekend(it's been a long weekend), because I hoped, that I'm able to enjoy it...
But what happened? Not much...I had my friend here for company, but he's even gloomier and more suicidal than I am, so he wasn't much of a help for me, he was rather a downer...
On Thursday, I received a phone call from someone, who played a big role in my life over the last 2 years...this phone call showed me, why I can't see any progress in my life right now...
It reminded me, who I've been 2 years ago...and people can tell me as often as they want, that the past is the past and we've to look forward in our life...but it's easy to say that, isn't it?
I don't know, but it isn't easy for me to move on with my life, because to move on, you need something new, right? You have to make a change with your life, a cut...to see the difference between the old and the new life...but my life has been dull 2 years ago, it has been dull 5 years ago, and it's being dull this very moment...
Too many people think that they'd know me so very well...but I'm different, the rules and regulations of this world don't fit on me...I don't want to sound cocky, it's not like I'm superior or anything...I'm just different...maybe there are many people out there like me, but I don't know them, and they don't know me...and even if, I think people like that(including me) aren't capable to see other people who are just like them...We're caught in our own world...it's not a world of illusion, but it's a world, where the past plays a big role...either we refer to the past, to say that there's no hope for the future...or we're stuck in the past, because it was the only happy time we had in our life, and even we're waiting and waiting, there won't be another happy time for us...
The average Joe might not understand it, and that's why they avoid us...and we might envy the average Joe for his ability to deceive himself or to fade out reality...because that's something people like me can't do...but we aren't actually trying to pick a fight, we just want to be tolerated and accepted for who we are...because we weren't asking for this disease and we aren't the reason for it! And it's definitely NOT in our hand to make ourself feel better...
I had found my happiness...at least a last resort...I felt so happy, being in a new environment, with new people...I received care, love, attention...something, that I didn't know from my family life...at that time, I realized, that friends and family aren't reliable things in your life...you can't count on them too much, because even if it's not their fault, but your family is usually not with you 24/7 and neither are your friends...and while your family is always there somehow(unless they die), your friends desert you sooner or later, because of changing jobs, or they've to relocate to another city or country, or they get married or something and forget about you or you get out of touch...the only constant person in your life, could be the person you marry...at least that's what I thought back then.
It was so wonderful and so new for me, to feel needed...back then, I still had a faith in love, and I had the ability to fade out, that love is something that happens mostly in our head and is mostly dellusional...
But I made the wrong choices...I choose the wrong person to be with, because it was a person, who wasn't sure about her own life or what she wants...that was my biggest mistake...i don't know if I should blame her, but she definitely had the key to my happiness in her hand...but she didn't see it and she didn't make use of it...
And damn, how I miss those times...how wonderful it felt, to drive around the city at night, to be just "normal" for once...it was like a new start in a place, where nobody knows yet, how fucked up I am and how twisted...I could still pretend to be just like the average Joe...
But the whole sharade ended...it ended, because other people didn't want to accept, that I did, what everyone else does all the time...
During the whole weekend, I kept listening to this song by Good Charlotte, "break apart her heart"...I don't know, maybe I never realized it before, because I've never been in such a melancholy mood, when I listened to it, but this song is definitely a perfect song, to describe the relationship between a couple, who broke up already...I could dedicate this song to both my first 2 exgfs...
Because it really seems like nobody appreciates what you've done for him/her, until they suffer under the same conditions like you(just that yours were even worse, because your partner never actually cared as much as you did). And you get angrier and angrier, because they claim to understand your condition and give you a lot of excuses and apologies, but even they probably mean it, it seems like scorn to you...
Let me quote from the song:
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"There's something I don't wanna understand
The only way a woman's gonna want a man
The only way you'll ever keep her in your hands
Is breaking apart her heart
Don't tell her she is the reason that you live
Don't give her everything that you got to give
If you want to keep the girl for as long as you live
Just break it apart her heart"
Is this what girls want? Because that's what I don't understand...I really had to face situations like this in my relationships...that I couldn't understand... that I'm only wanted and that I can only keep a girl if I treat her badly or like shit...I'm sorry, even if that's the common rule for relationships or love, but then I don't want to have anything to do with it...I'm probably too weak then, for shit like this...especially, since I think it's double standards, if you've to struggle so much for this, while others only take and take...just because I'm born male, it doesn't mean that I'm immortal or invincible...
And it seems to be true, that you should never tell a girl that she's the reason that you live(which I did) and that you should never give her everything that you got to give(I did that too). And if the only way to keep a girl, is to break her heart apart...then I'm sorry, that's something I can't do...
I start to feel, like I want to make the life of other people just as miserable as mine, just so they'd see how I've to feel every day! I don't want to do that because I'm bad, I think about doing it, because I don't want to be alone! And I am alone! There is a difference, if you are physically alone or mentally... and yes, I know that many, many people keep telling me that I'm not alone and that I'd be a lucky bloke, because there would be many girls being after me and so on and so on...
But let me tell you something...I don't feel lucky! And I don't know if there are any girls after me, but if there'd be any girls after me, I'd rather pity them...because I'm not a good guy in my eyes...I've my own problems and I'm trying to be nice and polite to the people around me...but I definitely don't want to be a burden to anyone...It's twisted, on the one hand, I want to take care of another human being, I want to be needed...and I want to love...
But how? The only time in my life, I could actually love someone, I emphasized the girl I "loved"...I didn't love who she really is, I loved the image I've made out of her...
And now I'm painfully reminded of this situation...back then, fairy tale love still worked for me in my dellusional world, but now, it doesn't work anymore...now I'm older and I'm beyond that point, and no matter what I tried lately, nothing can take me back to this point:(
I've been optimistic about things in the past...and I know most people think I'm gloomy and pessimistic...but tell me...wouldn't everyone turn out this way if he or she would feel sad and joyless for years and years and years, with no break?
I'm sorry, but I want to see others in my shoes...I'm sure they'd feel hopeless too...
I can see it with my exgf...she ever made fun of my situation and told me that I'm dramatizing things...and now she passed about 3-6 months of the feelings I had for 15 years...and in my eyes, she still had benefits I didn't have...but anyhoo, she admitted, that she can understand it now...while she never understood it before...
So it seems like people have to pass the same situation first, before they finally understand, that depressions are something very serious and nothing that you can underestimate...
I don't know how many similar blog entries I've already written about this topic...and I don't know how many will follow...but I do know, that I need a miracle, and I need it now!
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