I'm just listening to „At seventeen" by Janis Ian…it's an appropriate song for my current situation and the way I feel…
At seventeen...what did I do at seventeen?It's part of my life for sure...did I "learn the truth", like Janis Ian sings in her song? Not very likely...Florian at age seventeen...that was a very naive and insecure, shy young man....very desolate...dying for certain things in his life...
Hmm...I've been a guy who spent most of his time after school, reading his Science Fiction books, playing soccer with his brother and his best friend(a 4 year old younger boy, the son of my mother's acquaintance)...a chubby guy with a crushed self esteem, a lot of pimples in his face and being very depressive...
I still remember this time, even I am sure I didn't want me to remember it in the future, when I was myself in the past...because it felt too cruel and hopeless to me at that time.
At that time, I just realized, how everything around me seemed so much like routine...going to school, coming home, doing the same things, day in, day out... and even if not, at least feeling the same things...
The many times when I felt so depressed and sad that I thought I'd die because of this feeling, the times I couldn't even cry anymore, because I was just too hopeless...the times when I collapsed on the soccer field, with tears bursting out of my eyes...and how this all started without one good reason to be found...there was just nothing I could blame, nothing I could find, which would have been the major mistake, the reason for all of this...
So despite going to supermarkets and watching all kinds of movies( and developing a quite forced insomnia), I didn't do much...
I had been rejected repeatedly by girl after girl and yet I felt like it could help me, to have someone in my life, someone who'd need me and vice versa, someone whom I could give all my heart and love...it was the time when I still felt so sure that I'm more than ready for all the responsibilities which come along with love, that I'd be more than happy to get married and that I thought how much I wished that my first girlfriend would be my last girlfriend too...
I had those thoughts, because I still thought that the power of love is strong, that love actually e xcists...and I guess I was still able to have such feelings.
But nothing happened...I'd been stuck in my disease and it took me very long to even get my head up a little bit again.And when I finally felt stronger(because I realized that you can't sink any lower than to the bottom,where I were at that time), I had changed already in some ways...physically, because I had lost 20 kg in 7 months...and also inside, because I saw that I became more and more a loner...even while I still had dozens of acquaintances and knew so many people, I didn't feel the spark....I felt alone, even if I've been among hundreds and hundreds of people...
So I realized, that I'm lying to myself if I'd say that by simply trying to live like the others, I won't find my happiness...it just felt so false, like one big fraud...but what was the alternative?
Honestly, I didn't know...I just built my own cocoon around my, my own shall, my personal space...and I started to have a very close relation to my very own room...it became like my world for me...
Loneliness does strange things to ones mind...I don't know if that happened to me too...but depressions are a very creative disease, I had a lot of time to think...and while I've been pondering about me, the world, who I am and some other philosophical questions, I started to realize that many fears I have in my life are just ballast to me. I mean, why worrying? If I already have a problem, will I actually feel any better if I worry about it?Will the problem be gone if I do that?Will it be solved?NO!So why even doing it?I just try to see everything rational from that point and not too emotional anymore...I was far from being perfect, but the seed was planted...
Around 2005, I started to get in touch with people all over the world via the net...and I started to realize, that it's a new and interesting way to get to know new people, to find the people who could actually give me something...something like...I don't know, food for the soul?
Unlike in the real world, it was very easy to get to know MANY people in a very short time...while in the real world, I had much more obstacles and unpleasant hindrances...
And because of the internet, I finally got in touch with this wonderful country, that I learned to love so much:
INDONESIA!
It's a rather boring and long story to talk about the girl, who was half of the reason why I went there for the first time...I rather prefer to talk about, what this country actually gave me!
All of a sudden, there was a place, where I felt like...like in my mournful memories about the past or a time I can hardly remember(the time before my parents divorced). Hard to say why this country caused such a feeling in me...actually, I couldn't imagine to just give up and leave my room, at that time, and it was even more impossible to me to imagine to move to the next city...but somehow, I could imagine to move to Asia!
I always had an affection to Asia, even before I went there for the first time...but actually, my heart was beating for Japan at that time, not Indonesia...anyhow, it just showed me that there's a place that seemed to me like nowadays, undiscovered planets seem to mankind:
A place where's still something to discover, where there's hope and new challenges...
Just after I returned from my trip to Indonesia, I had to move out from my mom's place, because she kicked me out...something, that I couldn't imagine before it happened, but somehow, it wasn't much of a problem for me anymore at that time...I felt new energy and a sincere will to fight back, to struggle, to accept the negative things in life...at least for now...
That was something I lost trough my years of constant sadness and depression...and there were new feelings, new attitudes...I became more confident, I now had done things that I always wanted to do, but I didn't dare them before...and I started to realize, how quickly I assimilated! People around me showed me their acknowledgement for what I had done...they said it was brave and took guts to just buy a ticket and fly to a country where I knew absolutely nobody, unless a girl I knew since 1 month from a few chats and one 2 hour phone call...was it crazy?Well, maybe...but I don't know why, I never really felt scared or anything...and I didn't see it as a big thing actually...probably a sign of my brand new self esteem and my new self confidence...
But the time right after that was though...my life was actually still empty...and I felt someone pushed me hard in the face, when I realized how much I depended on others(in that case, my 1st and later my 2nd gf). I felt like I can't take it...but the difference to my situation now, and my situation before, was, that now, I had at least one thing in my life to fight and struggle for...maybe it wasn't the best reason in the world, and probably(at least if I look at it now), it wasn't worth it...but for the bigger good, it was absolutely necessary and positive for me and who I am!
I learned a lot of new things...about me...about others...I saw that I'm not as small and weak as I thought I am...and I felt more and more confidence growing, and learned how to keep down to earth though...destiny still continued to hit me constantly, but with each punch, I felt less and less pain...
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