Some thoughts about the past in a sleepless night

I just listen to N.E.R.D.’s “The way she dances”...it’s one of those “Indri songs”...and it really reminds me of last year around this time...when I still had a relationship and I was just preparing everything for my 4^th trip to Asia...and when I spent a very formative time over there...

I think it was the time when I finally had to say goodbye to the old Me and had to accept that all my lovely corny dreams about love and a relationship and having my own family won’t come true...All those songs on this CD remind me of certain moments in certain places...”Little Star” reminds me how we drove off the parking lot of Water Boom in Cikarang...”Color Blind” reminds me how I always thought what a perfect song for the night it is, and when I finally heard it while being on jalan tol, it’s been only me who thought it’s romantic...maybe I was chasing a dream all the time?

Then there’s “Gotta long way to go”...a song that reminds me of my first night after the whole drama started...when I’ve been woken up unpleasantly with a slap in the face...well,they say someone who sleeps isn’t a sinner...but was it really that bad what I did back then?Isn’t it understandable, due to the high stress and tension? Due to what had happened in the past before all of it?

I don’t know...I’ve been under a constant pressure from the moment I left the plane...it was kinda like a déjà vu in many ways, but just on the first sight...on second sight, you could see that it’s totally different.I’ve been very confused, that’s true...confused of new feelings for someone very special(should I mention her name in here?Hell,why not,you know it’s you I’m talking about, right Indri?Damn,you rock girl, you really influenced me and my life at that time and until now,if you know it or not).

But I know that I should have been more of a man...I couldn’t make a decision right away at the airport and just felt unpleasant...I didn’t want to hurt anyone, I didn’t want to lose a chance...I tried to make everyone happy, but I failed miserably...

And then, after I made the decision...why did it feel like the wrong decision?Did we really have to go with those fucking German bule guys I hated so much already?The guys who’re the protagonists of what I like to call”The Bandung Trauma”?Damn,I don’t think so!
Until now,Bandung(and due to this day) and also Kemang is kinda like a forbidden zone for me...a place that I don’t want to see anymore because I just felt so much like a 5^th wheel there...was it so hard to understand that I didn’t want to be with those fucking friends of yours?Was it so hard to understand that all I wanted, after a long, long trip(that I just made for you), was to rest in your arms, to give you a kiss, to talk about our common future?
Is this something only girls are allowed to feel?Damn,why did you have to be so damn selfish and unromantic?Why couldn’t we match better?The feeling was there,I felt that...but there were things,so much bigger than the feeling...your concerns...your...hmm,let’s call it shallow view on my manys things in life...your paranoia and fear to lose “friends”...and our totally different perceiptions(damn,you made me hate this word so much!!!)about a MUTUAL relationship...

All the many nights that we drove around Jakarta...do you still remember the night after I’d just arrived?When you wanted to use the only night we had without “parental control” and you wanted to use it to go to X2?While I just wanted to do something romantic, like going to a nice hotel and take a bath together, like YOU suggested it before I came?I still remember our fight about it...and how I gave in because I wanted you to be happy...and how disgusted I felt by our company(esp. the girl i won’t mention here now, who’s so cheap that she even cheats on her bf while he paid for her ticket to the Netherlands!)...how I saw YOU drinking and ignoring me once again...how I felt like on parties in my school times, when I was the only one, standing around all by myself, being lost in my own thoughts...

And when we finally left, you started to complain about the Hotel that you’ve been chosing...a.k.a the “Spooky Motel”...but hey, I tried my best to calm you down, didn’t I?And when you only woke me up in the middle of the night, to test my reaction and I felt so fucking worried about you and brought you some water...did you really appreciate it?And if so, why didn’t you realize that you meant the world to me?Why wasn’t this good enough for you?Why didn’t you have the guts to tell me already back then that you never really wanted me or my plans or the future I wanted to built for us?

How many times did I sit next to you on a bed or in the car or in your house...how many times did I stand your silly friends or your family which hated me or all the other things,or your moods...I did it all for us!I did it because I truly loved you and despite all the hopeless signals and feelings i got from you, I didn’t want to give up...I fighted and fighted until there’s nothing left but an empty shell...now was it really worth it?
I remember how we watched the videos of you in Berlin...how you had one of your rare sweet moments that I loved so much...and how you opened up to me and showed me the vulnerable girl that you are deep inside, but that you think you’ve to hide behind this “cool facade” of yours...and how you told me that I’ve your true love already, but you’d be scared that I’d leave you...oh dear, couldn’t you read it from my lips,see it in my eyes and hear it from my heart that I only wanted you?Do you think I rejected so many girls, so many chances, just to kiss you goodbye the very next day?I don’t think there could’ve been more I could have done for you...or anyone!

Why did I feel so many times that even I’m with you physically(and vice versa), but you were never really there with your whole heart and mind?Why did I always have to share you and had you hardly ever for me only?Couldn’t you see my heart bleeding?Was it really just weak for you that someone truly opened up for you?

And there they are again, those damn sweet songs...I owe you one for them, Indri...they’re a part of me, they are a part of my youth,my life,my world...yeah,they’re just songs...and people would be wrong if they think that they’re just connected with one person...they’re connected with EVERYTHING...they’re my only connection to the time when there’s still been a chance for happiness...each and every one of them can take me to that moment again,I just have to close my eyes and listen to them...and all kind of pictures pop up in my head...pictures of Thamrin at night...of your face...of Indri herself...of the parking centre of Senayan...of the Jalan Tol on the way to Cikarang or Anyer...of the times we’ve been to Sentul City with your brother and I started thinking about buying a house there for the two of us...the two of us,Jeremy and Felicia, the moose ,the bench and the apple tree...did you forget all of those moments?Was it that easy for you to press “Forward” on your remote control and just move on?Well,it wasn’t for me...it never will be...too many things remember me of too many moments and situations...

I cried so many tears...but they couldn’t warm your heart...I tried so many things...I did things that I never tried before and that I never tried again afterwards...I gave up dreams and started doing things I didn’t like,just for you...maybe it was somewhat like a game for you...but for me,it’s been so much more than that...every song you dedicated to me, every present you gave me...every damn piece of you took a place of my heart and seized it...

It’s quite ironic though...it all started with the girl who picked me up with her best friend Indah in Permata Hijau, Jalan Kumala 44...a girl who seemed to be shy, who knocked me off my feets with her dazzling looks at that evening and her girlish charme...her way of underestimating herself...the way she hold my hand secretly under the table...the way she caressed it in the car and looked in my eyes...it gave me a lot of butterflies in my stomache...that wonderful warming hug you gave me at that evening...a hug that I hoped would never end...

And then the story of our first kiss...gee, I guess I could go on like this forever...what started as a fairy tale and had so much potential ended in a living hell full of tears and suffer...too many things went wrong...why didn’t you open up a little more?Why didn’t you communicated when I urged you to do it?I am so sure we could have solved all our problems...

Why did you have to break my heart into tiny little pieces?Why did I let this happen?Is it so bad to dare to fall in love?Was this love after all?Oh why...too many questions, not enough answers...but yeah,it’s just a lot of stuff that’s going through my head in this cold night while I can’t sleep once again and listen to this magical music...

You asked me last week if I still love you...I wish I would know the answer to this question myself...before I met you, I thought I know what love is...but now, that you left me, I am just not sure anymore.

I wish I had some tears to cry...I wish you’d finally understand what’s this all been about...I wish you’d regret...feel sorry...that you’d realize that I never wanted to be your enemy or harm you in any way...but sorry to say so, sometimes I really think you’re too blind for that or you want to be blind...and it seems I just can’t help you, no matter how much I want that:(.

You asked me if I still love you...but why do you ask me?Is it because you realized something?Is it because you finally appreciate all the things I’ve done?

I’m not a fool, I know that you aren’t the kind of person who’d ask me to come back to you...even I always kept my door open for that,like I promised you...but what do you want?
Do you want to torture me?Can you only feel happy when you’re sure I’m miserable and crying?Or is it just your clumsy trial to say “Sorry”?

There was always a big part of me that felt sorry with you,even after you ripped out my heart.A part of me that felt sorry with the girl you are, because I see you as a victim in some way...a prisoner in a world you don’t like, without knowing that you’re a prisoner...I’m quite sure it’s only me who thinks so and you don’t...but I just hope that you can find your peace and that you can find the answer to your question in your heart...just look at the things we’ve passed together, just look at the times we had(either good and bad) and then ask me again...and you’ll see that the answer was in front of you all the time...

I reached the bottom now...there’s nothing you can do to me anymore, since all my worst nightmares about you and us became reality...the only way to hurt me now is to hurt me physically...and even that doesn’t scare me anymore...I don’t want to drown in selfpity, but I think I’ve lost it all...my hopes, my dreams, my illusions...

But I won’t lose my memories...

EVER!