The day already didn't start that well…I woke up around 3pm in the afternoon…didn't feel like going to Stuttgart to join my friend at new year to go to the Schlossplatz with him.
But my dad forced me to do it, so I had no choice...I took my mp3-player, my backpack from Blok M and my very own self with my empty heart and the new years and xmas blues I had...
Everywhere, I heard fireworks already and saw young people, frolicing freely and happy, with smile on their faces, not realizing how much I envy them for being so simpleminded and shallow...I wish I could get such happiness from such trivial and banal stuff like they can...
Well, anyhow, I was on the same way like when I attend work every day...that was already kinda depressing.If I'd have had a choice, I'd have prefered to pull the blanket over my head and just sleep until the crappy new year began.
But I had no choice, so I was going there...feeling like that girl in Old boy when she's in the subway and she's the only one in the wagon....she, and a giant ant...and she said only really lonely people see ants...I was kinda looking for my ant that time...
I arrived in Stuttgart around 6pm maybe...was picked up by my friend...he must have been pretty lonely either, he came there to hug me and it was kinda awkward...
Well, we walked to his house and I was there physically, but not with my mind...I still had my last years Christmas and new year in mind...the one that I spent in Jakarta, the only one I ever spent with a person I loved...and even though, it was still one of the crappiest I had because it was full of fights and I was the closest to suicide at the 26th of December when I was in Wisma Gading Permai at that time.
This time, I didn't feel that suicidal, but just so fucking hopeless and lonely. I just wished to be somewhere else, with someone else...
Around 8pm, I got a call from Sally, it was nice to hear her again at that time...but the best thing that happened to me that day was the call I received from Lensa...it really helped me to feel less lonely because I knew at that moment that I'm not the only one who feels shit at this day that should be so special, but that I hate so deeply!
We walked to the subway around 11pm...in the train, there were a lot of stupid, mindless young kids between 15-23 maybe...drunk, like usual, ready to cut your throat cos you looked in the wrong direction... full of aggressions...damn, I really hate people like them...they really make me feel ashamed of this country of mine...they're not smarter than a bread, but they think they can do whatever they want to...well, I didn't feel scared though, if they'd have killed me at that time, it would have been my pleasure actually.
Then we arrived at the Schlossplatz...it was so crowded and noisy...actually you had to be concerned about your safety there...they fired rockets from everywhere and threw firecrackers even at 5 year old kids...I wish all those loonatic people would just die from one day to the other...who needs them?They're the cancer of our society...
Well, anyway, we went to the middle of the square and we met 2 Mongolian couples there, they were already a bit drunk, but really fun to be with, even for me, who was in such a low mood already at that time. They distracted my mind and me from all this shit for a moment...
A few minutes before we met them, I saw some other Asians...actually, being there around midnite just made me realize once again that this country, Germany, isn't the country where I can live or where I feel at home. It just isn't my home anymore...
Well, after that, we went back to my friends place, stumbling about a drunk body at the Königsstraße(Stuttgarts shopping mile) and my friend dragged me to a place where they sold Kepab at 2am at nite cos he was hungry...
I saw another Asian girl in the underground, she was with a German guy...damn, that reminded me so badly of last year...
We arrived at his place around 3am in the morning. We went to bed and talked until 7 am in the morning...I don't know, I really felt that I have to do something about all the things that are bothering my life right now...the last year was just a wasted one...well, ok,nothing is really wasted... but it wasn't really successful in any way for me. I just lost many things.
When we woke up at 3pm, I saw that I got an sms from my ex...written in perfect German...that just reminded me that her new bf is also German and made me angry cos it showed me how different the same person can treat someone if she just has a feeling for him...
I went back home and while I was waiting for the train, I received another sms from my ex...I replied her and told her that I'd want her back and I'd miss her(which I know now, was just an emotional reflex). I wrote "I'm lonely" in the snow and took that picture.
When I reached home, I just got into my room when I received a phone call...I picked up because I thought it was my friend, asking if I got home safely...well, it was my ex....she said she's surprised with what I've written and if I'd be serious...then we got dc after I had said that I'm serious.
I couldn't sleep all night long so I was checking my emails and writing some stuff...around 3am, I saw my ex in yahoo(ok,she saw me) and we started to chat.
I told her that I'd be serious about what I said. But she said that she's sorry, she hopes for another( her bf), even he'll dump her because he can't stand long distance relationships.
I asked her why she did all the things to me that she's done to me...I said I don't think she ever loved me...and she said:"yes, I never loved you. I was just being emotional.I'm sorry".
I wasn't even that shocked because I already expected that. I asked her then why she even hopes for a guy who met her in November and dumps her already again in December/January...she said even I cared more for her then he does, that doesn't matter to her, she'd be SO in love...I got more and more angry...she even had the guts to tell me that we'd be even now and she'd know now how it feels because she'd be sad since 1 month...ARGGHHH...I just wanted to go there and slap her face for this...How can she compare 1 misely month of pain with 18 months of constant pain and misery?
I was already kinda cynical and upset, so I asked her if the things she'd told me in August would have been all lies either(like I expected it now) . I asked her if she meant it when she said that I'd be at least betterlooking than her new bf.
She said she'd have never said so but I said I'm sure about this because I know damn sure that she DID say this!Well,she then said: "you know,it's kinda funny...you can just look at his pictures and then take a look in the mirror to see that he's so fucking handsome and you are not!"Then she said:"If it would have been about looks,I would have NEVER been with you;)"
I can't believe the guts of this girl....how can she be such a manja tuan putri?How can she be such a darn selfish, immature, materialistic shallow spoiled brat? She doesn't say or feel sorry for the things she did to me...she just walks over me and jumps down my throat like this!
Is it asked too much to ask for a sincere sorry?And the one thing that I won't understand...
If she never loved me, why couldn't she just tell me that?Why couldn't she just tell me that she doesn't love me, that she doesn't want to participate in my dreams about being married and having children and all?She knew damn well that I'm not playing games and that I'm not playing games!
I remember, when I met her, I didn't love her. I was with her because of kasihan/pity and because I thought she's a nice girl and it's not easy to find a nice girl. And I told her that if we'd be a couple, I'd expect this to be serious and lead to marriage... and if that's too much for her or if she thinks it's too fast, then I left her the choice to just move back and we could have broken up at that time without any hard feelings... but she just lied straight into my faces, lied to me all the time! Even her family did it, I asked her father about marrying her, he just lied to me too and I had to find out that they laughed about me behind my back and said I'd be so crazy and funny to say that, I'd still be way too young....GOSH!Those morons got married around 20 or so either, why weren't they too young?Just because they think they're fucking superior?
Gee, really...I could go on like this for hours and hours...but what is it good for? At least I think it really helped me now to learn my lesson...I know now that I don't really loved this girl anymore in the past...I also know that if I'm honest with myself, I wasn't in love with her ever...but I set ALL MY HOPES AND WISHES in her...and that was the mistake I made...now I can answer myself the question I'd asked me in December 2006,I had asked me why I still stay with such a brat...it wasn't because of her, but because of me....
I still remember my situation back in July 2006...back then, I had realized that neither friends or family can give me what I need in my life...at least not forever...and that only having a healthy relationship might help me out here.
I know that all of this was mostly about my depressions. I knew that if I have only me in my life, my life doesn't have enough challenges...but with someone who will allow me to make her my world, with someone who I can adore and who I can be with forever, I would have a great opportunity so I might find happiness...
Well, that's past now...I knew back then that I've only one bullet to fire...and I already pulled the trigger...now my world's already shattered...but I don't want to give up.I'm willing to move on and I also learned to be more tough.
I just hate reckless people!And I am upset with myself because she's been my achilles heel...nobody ever hurt me so bad because I never gave anyone so much power about me...well, at least I know that it's been all about me and I just hate this unfairness...but I hope there'll be karma and I hope I can balance my own karma soon...
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