Lux aeterna (eternal light)

Sitting in my desolate room…in the illuminating light of a bunch of candles…listening to Portishead „A song to fuck to"…what a strange title for a song with a strange sound…it sounds like drugs…like velvet and silk…it makes me shiver and my mind starts to leave my body and head…it's going on a spiritual journey…far, far away from what the sadly, depressing moment that we call "life"…to a place where there's no more pain or suffer…

A few things happened this summer…things have changed…I am not the person anymore that I used to be…I'm…different! I can't say that I am lucky about this…neither can I say that I've a right to be sad cos I think I was aware that this would happen, deep, deep inside, subconsciously…

It's like I woke up from a very long lasting dream…I wake up and now I've to face the reality which I successfully denied for such a long time…was it bad to deny or neglect it?

It helped me to ease and bear the state of constant depression…but now that's all over…

I see the candles…how they are so vivid…and I feel a deep sadness inside of me…yet I feel in peace with myself…

What has life become for me? I became a small gearwheel in the big machinery of society, capitalism, life…I sold myself into slavery…now I've to be a big guy, I've to switch of emotions cos I've to function…no more space for feelings or own desires…I've to function, like a robot, like a good machine…but I am not the deus ex machina…I'm just out of flesh and blood….and flesh is weak…so I guess I'm already a failure, right?

But why bother? I am on a river now…I can leave myself to the stream…

I have a picture in front of my inner eye…me, near a canyon…I die and I fall down the canyon, in a river…I am falling with a smile on my face…and I leave myself to the stream, my body will be carried away to a better place…to a place somewhere over the rainbow? No, such a place doesn't really exist…but there's this small, hidden shelter where we can hide ourself and our sincerest feelings and emotions…what's it called again? Oh ya,I think it's called…S O U L