Life

What happened to me lately?How come that I feel so much more...mature?Do I?Is mature the word?Adult maybe?I don't know...it's just...that suddenly I feel like going to work and coming home gives me a small reason to live...I am still depressed every Sunday...and that might be because I know that I've to go back to work again on Monday...and the only thing that keeps me going through the week is the fact that I want to reach the next weekend...maybe that I want to show that I can do it?That I can survive this stupid game that we call life?That I can fit in somehow and play with the rules...
It makes me sad somehow...sad that a life can be so trivial...so empty...I listen to Placebo's "Farewell" now...exactly the right kind of music for my current mood...it sounds sad and melancholical...like a farewell...but it might include that small inch of hope...or even more likely,it reminds me of someone who's dying...he didn't have a good life...he didn't have a happy life...in fact, his life was a boring life with no peaks...but still he can smile now, because it comes to an end...that makes me smile too...about the poor fellow who had to suffer all the time...but he chose to go the path to it's end...not to surrender...it's not like he really gets rewarded or that he'd get to hear a "Thank you"...it's more the small victory over himself...it's the prove to him and others how life is definitely pretty senseless...
Do I see myself like him?Maybe...I see my own life...how I go to work each day now...sitting in the bus,listening to music,thinking how boring and empty my life is...but isn't it funny?Even I should feel so down and pissed with it...I can't somehow...it's definitely not like what people say,that I'd live each moment of my life to the fullest...it's rather the opposite...but it's enough to shake my head ironically about this losers life...even it's me who is the loser.
In moments like this,I feel closer to death and god I think...I don't despise life and what it stands for...but I definitely won't cry over it or would mourn if I'd lose it.I think I'd rather be like Ricky Fitts in "American Beauty" when he looks in the dead eyes of Lester Burnham after he got shot...and he smiles because he knows that nevertheless what kind of loser Lester was,he still found a way to live a small part of his life happily...even it was ended when he was at the peak,but hey,isn't that the perfect timing that we're all longing for?