Crappy Christmas

It's Christmas time...the time when many people are suicidal and they kill themself because they feel lonely or because of other reasons...I don't feel that well either,but that's a permanent state...
To be really blunt about all this...I can't take all this fake n phoney mambo jambo about christmas...even last year(the only christmas I didn't spend all by myself),it wasn't really good...it was maybe the time when I've been the closest to suicide...and now?I don't feel like killing myself...but...I'm so sick to see everyone in the happy mood,everyone can feel happy,even they're all phoney hypocrites and liars in my eyes...deceiving themself...but damn,they are happy and I'm not...
Why did my life change so completely?From "really shit" to "even worse"...ever since July...since that one night in her car...when I felt kinda like now...hollow...like a liar to myself...but at that time,I realized that I can't and shouldn't rely on friends or family because those two are unreliable factors...that only if I'd be with a girl who truly loves me and shares my life with me,I might be saved from my depressions and reach that state of happiness...and I made that momentous decision to open my heart 100% and for the first time in my life ever...at that time,I still knew where I keep the key...I made this decision under the cover of welfare...by telling me that I do it for her either,since I knew she has feelings(love)that I don't have for her...well,foolish little boy I was...but at least I could still make my own decisions back then...
Just kinda funny that my prediction back then was right...because I knew at that time that it's my last bullet and if I'd miss the target then I'd be swallowed by the darkness and I'd fall straight into the gorge...I couldn't know that I'd be THIS right about it...
And now?around 1 and a half year later?Well,now I think I fell down that gorge...but I didn't hit the bottom and died,I'm just lying here,where there's no light,crippeled...helpless...hopeless...
But wait,there's something I can see...it's all the other people...they are like mindless sheeps...living their small,silly lifes...they don't see all the wolves around them...or do they?Well,it doesn't matter to them,they don't WANT to see...it's only me who can see it...who HAS to see it...but I don't want to see it either...I want the lollipop-candy-everything-is-ok-world-view either!But why does nobody ask me?Why am I being cursed to see the reality that painfully blunt?
I'm blind but I can see...is that what'd fit on me?But I am not blind...I wish I were blind about the many things I don't want to see...but I have to see them...and that really terrifies me...I'm afraid I've to see all the realities that blunt and open until I can't take it anymore(which I can't already) and until I lost the last small inch of motivation that I've inside me.
I can see so many people around me who are hearing lies all the time...they can be so naive and so vulnerable...that's at least what they should be,since they're carrying their hearts,thoughts and feelings straight in front of them...but it seems it doesn't really bother them...sure,if it comes to the time to settle the score,they're getting hurt...but they just move on...if one of them gets heartbroken,they can just forget it and fall in love again...if they have problems at work or with friends,they've a short memory and they just forget it...it's only me who sees all the things so crystal clear...me and maybe some others,but they're hidden very well,I can't see anyone of them...
So how long do I have to take this?Ever since I'm little,people ask me to be patient...things would be good soon,I should just wait...but even I never had much,even the little things I had have been taken away from me...do i ask for that much?I don't care if my parents are still divorced...I don't bother that my mom kicked me out...I take it that I've a crappy job training and get no salary...but why do they have to take the ability of love away from me?Why do I have to see every average joe being so happy?I feel like it's a race and I was already somewhere in the middle,but now I lost track and I ended up far behind them,way to far to ever close up again...screw you,what a crappy christmas!