2007

Listening to Oasis "Wonderwall" and thinking about the year 2007,that's about to end...
Last year around this time,I was still in Jakarta...now I'm in Germany,in my desolate room,thinking about the past year...
It began with the cruel disappointment I had in Jakarta due to too high hopes in a relationship...then I came back,lost my job,lost my will to live and came in a clinic because of a high suicide risk...the time there was really crappy,yet I thought I can change myself and thought I should do that,but I wanted to do that mostly because of another person,not because of me or who I am...Well,after I got out of the clinic,I lost that motivation quite soon...
In February,there was the big flood in Jakarta...I couldn't even watch the pics on tv,it hurted me too much,it felt like my homecountry and hometown would be flooded...
During this time,I was still holding on to my ex gf and tried to show her that I'll always be there for her,no matter what.
But I've to admit,it was rough...no matter how often someone hurts you,it never really stops to ache completely...
In March,I was about to give up to get back to her,because she made it crystal clear that she doesn't want me and told me to move on...so I tried that,one week after she said that...but she regreted it and asked me back...but I didn't know who to trust anymore and because of that,the whole story ended disastrous in the end of March,when I was in Jakarta again.I hurted a lot of people in March/April by not showing up,I guess I lost many friends at that time and who knows,maybe even a potential future wife...speaking about a special person who's name I won't mention here now...
Well,it seemed like the relationship could work again,against all odds and obstacles...but somehow,I already felt back then that that's a fraud and that I'm just trying this to finish the book until the last chapter...
Once I was back in Germany,it took only 1 week I think until I was alone again...then it went back and forth until June...during that time,I was just bored at work and so tired of all those things...
Well,I still don't understand until today why it all had to happen...Why did she leave me?What for?I wasn't good enough for her?Well,I should learn some things later though...
I was really hoping that she would have meant the sweet things she said in June when she asked me to break up with her(and i did it,hoping she'd wake up then and ask me to be hers forever)...I still remember how she said she would regret this and I could count on it that she'd regret it one day and ask me back...silly me,to believe that this would be a reliable statement...:(
Learning from experience,I was kinda having a back up this time...maybe not really nice,but hey,we're all just human,right?Although I've to admit,I always know where I had my focus...and my focus was on her...if she'd have asked me back,I'd have done it...
Well,I went to Jakarta again in August then...seeing the new girl...here I should learn how changed I already was compared to the last year and that I could do many evil things I never thought I could do...and I should also learn that it's not enough to be loved by someone,if u can't feel love for that person,it can't work...I also learned that no matter how hard you try to love someone,it doesn't always work...
but what I don't understand is the fact how someone can meet a new guy and she won't tell you about it and even still tell you she loves you or wants you back...and then you'll find out later that this guy was in her heart all the time already...I call this cheating(in a certain way)...it's different in my eyes if you're having a back up and you'll never mention it if you don't make a use of it than if you're deceiving someone on purpose...
Well,it was a really painful trip...I was faced with the hollow inside of me...and I realized that no matter what,it seems like I can't keep things for long...someone or something will always take the precious things away from me and my life...
I don't know,maybe it's because I seem to be so different from all the other people?Am I too bad at lying to myself?All the things I do feel so fake and phoney...it's like I'm just a big fraud...but not in the good mind-deceiving way of all the other people around me who create their own Shangri-La in their heads...it's in the bad,mind-numbing way that makes you loonatic...
I felt like a new person when I was back...not abled to feel anything anymore but despise for all the people around me...more cynical,less emotional...more selfish,less caring...I tried to make myself busy with work....found a new motivation and happiness in my new hobbies,the trading of stocks and certificates...but that joy was a short one,because they told me in November that they won't pay me any salary,neither for the past nor the future...and since I'm living in a crappy country like Germany,I've no choice,I can't just quit and start all over again,at least not if I want to achieve my plans...
oh ya,my plans...they changed from having my own family and the house and the appletree to become a millionaire at 35 and to get the freedom of choice with a lot of money...being loaded seems to be a good way for me to face all the other things in life,cos it can buy me a lot more time to think that I'd waste with work otherwise...
I lost my faith in love or marriage...in my eyes,those things are just temporary anyhow...i'm 22 now,that's old enough to realize that there are a lot of repeating patterns in our lives....even if I don't have the experience about this or that,but I can compare it with other people's stories...So why should I waste my time again or make a fool out of myself just to find something that's not worth all the fighting and trouble?
Sure,it's not nice to look into a future that includes only me,myself and I...but do I have a choice?It's really useless to be with someone if you can't have that special feeling that others are able to have...
From September to November,I just went to work,I just started to cope with my life and laugh about it,since it's so ridiculous and pityful...
But I'm getting so sick of it...I'm living the life of a prisoner...everywhere,either at work or at home,I can't decide freely...people at work and people in my family seem to know everything so much better...they might know this and that,but I'll be damned if they know me better than I know myself...
And now we've December,I had my crappy birthday,pretty lonely and sad,just like expected...Christmas wasn't much better...the few highlights of the year?Hmm,couldn't think of too many...met a very few nice new people,the last one of them just a few days ago...had a great time to watch Daria and Seinfeld,also Married with Children...learned valuable lessons about myself...but beside that?
Ya,I know,people say that you've to be positive,you've to see the bright sides of life,you're the master of your own destiny and all...but those are people who never experienced the darkest,gloomiest sides of a neverending depression...people who're still living on the sunny side of life,no matter what kind of small problems they've got...I know only a few people who know the feeling and they all agree that it doesn't matter if the glass is half-full or half-empty...because some things can't just be solved with a lot of wiseguy talking or stupid quotes we know anyhow...
I wish I could wipe out certain memories to this year...I wish I could turn back the times to the nice days in 2006...but ya,what can you do?Past is past,and even I'm a person who's really easy to look back,even I can't neglect that time is moving...either I like it or not...At least I'm still standing,still here...there's still enough time if I'd like to kill myself,right?
And what I wish for the new year?Maybe less self pity,less complaining,more people who've a brain,more nice tv series...more healthy food,less weight...more money,more steps to my new dreams...to find true love...to forget false friends and reckless people...and for my real life,to finally begin!