When I’m looking inside of me...there’s nothing anymore...nothing but a black hole, it’s swallowing hope and positive thoughts...other people around me can feel something...they can feel happiness....sadness....they can feel when their heart aches in bad times or when their
heart is jumping for joy in good times or when they’re in love...but I feel nothing anymore...
I realized that I don’t feel anything...I don’t feel the bad things, I don’t feel the good things...there’s no prove for me that I’d even still HAVE a heart of my own...maybe my heart is frozen and has to be melted?Maybe it’s been stolen and now got lost?
I came to realize how empty everything has become...how my whole entire love life became a mess...and I can’t get it back on track...
I’m trying to look for the bright sides in life(that’s also what people keep telling me), but I can’t see them anywhere...So maybe it means I’m trying too hard?I’m hoping too much that there’s another sense for our life more than our simple being?A higher meaning?Maybe that’s my mistake?That I should just enjoy the simplicity of the moment?But then again, that’s what I’m doing all the time since years(since I’ve no alternatives others than suicide)...and I can’t see myself smiling my head off whenever I look at myself in the mirror...
People want to see me as an optimist...as a mister nice guy, as someone who’s helping old ladies across the streets and all that...they don’t know me...it seems nobody does...It’s not correct how they see me...it’s just a mask I’m wearing, maybe without even noticing it anymore...
I see myself more like those protagonists from Chinese or Japanese movies…self absorbed, self centered, lying, cheating, leaving a trail of broken hearts and puddles of tears...being in the center of attention and being attractive for many(without being able to figure out why)...
And yet so alone and empty...being on the neverending journey to satisfy the needs of their soul...
The more I find out about myself,the more I’m feeling hopeless about everything... i think I understand Peter Pan and such folks...growing up seems to mean to face all the ugly truths in life...that life has actually nothing to offer...it's all the same shit, just in nice colours...the technicolour dream coat...but some people are cursed cos they've to see everything sober and realistic...
I’ve been thrown into this world and thought that I’d get at least a choice or a chance...but there’s no choice or chance that I’d like... Try to imagine how all the things that you need to keep your life going don't work for you anymore... that's what's been happening to me for years... and the few things I had...I’m loosing them too now...
I don’t think that there are many people who could actually understand that. Not all the people are as lucky as those who can keep up the “illusion programme” that starts running once we’re born...all the things of daily life which keep our lives in balance and never get us in danger to “crash”...some of us are misfits, born malfunctions, annomalies...
We never asked for that status and this “privileg”...neither do we want to be in a constant state of depression and hopelessness...but it’s not like we’d have much of a choice...
As for me, I really thought that being in a relationship could make me happy or at least give my life a motivation...but the more I think, the more I start to see that I had quite a few very good chances for that and I didn’t take them....didn’t WANT to take them...
Not because I’m scared of commitment or anything like that...also not because I’m being any sort of a player or something like that...what would it be good for to be like that?To be a guy who’s running from one temporary relationship to another? To have casual sex and booty calls? Every night another girl? A bride in each harbour? Who needs that? Also just the shallow and simple minded...sex...what is so good about sex?I had sex...I did strange things and tried some stuff...did it ever make me happier?Nope, it just made me feel like a part of a freaking biology lesson.
What does the future hold for me?What does it hold for everybody?I don’t believe in the merits and benefits of marriage anymore...how should such a very much moral requesting relation between two persons still work in a work like ours? I think marriage is a thing of the past...marriage seemed to work only in times when people were really depending on each other for some reasons...like during or shortly after wars...when they needed their help to survive and all...while the freedom is the ultimate enemy of the marriage...I can see it so easily if I’m just looking at so many people I know and how “holy” they keep marriage...PHONEY HYPOCRITES!!! I’m aiming this especially to those girls I’ve got to know in Indonesia, who are married or even JUST married and who are already having lovers or they’re the concubine of someone...gee, it’s even like an open secret that going into marriage as a virgin, that’s a standard that’s still hold up high(even if it’s only for girls), but AFTER that? It seems like nobody bothers what you’re doing then, according to the many couples who’re searching for some extra fun with other people(speaking of menage à trois) or what I’ve got to know even personally...I’ve met some married women myself(even I didn’t have any sex with them or anything,I’m not that morally bankrupt) and it seems they’re just suffering from lost or broken dreams...it’s like I could still see the young girl inside of them...still yearning and waiting for their prince charming on his unicorn to come and save them and take them off to a better world, somewhere over the rainbow...but wake up ladies, that won’t happen...and you’ll never be much more than a sex object and cheap maid to your husbands and your kids won’t need you forever...while I can see that many women realized that over short or long and they’ve found their way to sweeten this life of imprisonment by numbing their minds with a golden credit card in each hand and a mountain of shoe boxes and forests of branded clothing in their closets...gee, wish I could be like them and simply “buy” myself some happiness and peace...sigh...
I’m so disgusted about the way how most men look at women...seeing them as nothing but “objects” and treating them like trash...it’s correct,we really ARE the throw-away-society nowadays...but I’m even more disgusted by the obnoxious behaviour of their female counterparts...seems they didn’t get a spine or any dignity when they were born...and now they’re making slaves out of themself,slaves of the master “MONEY” that they worship like before them, only men did...ladies, why you’ve to disappoint me so badly? We all already knew that guys are scum and just good to be the working class and the little tooth wheels to keep the whole world running while the women always had the reputation to be more the thinker and the muses for the pleasant arts and all that...but me oh my, how sad does the truth look like? Where’s all the “we are more mature and we are superior”-attitude if you lift the curtain and you look behind the cover? The only thing that I can see there are women who throw back emancipatation at least 200 years(if it ever really excisted) because it’s so much more comfortable to hide behind their own lack of integrity and ambitions.
Well, I wouldn’t blame them though if they wouldn’t always try to rub in how “superior” and “mature” and “wonderful” they are...let’s face it, it makes them even worse than guys(and that will mean something!).
Well, of course we’ve to give some persons some credit for not being like this...and not everyone is a hypocrite...but there are just too many people out there who’re deceiving not only themself and others, but who’re always propaganding their life style as the one and only way to happiness and enlightening...and that is SO false!
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