The butterfly

I can't sleep yet...still thinking a lot...even I don't want to...I keep thinking about all the things that happened in the last 16 months...it's like I found something new in my life,had many new experiences,many new things I learned,boosted my self-esteem and self-confidence,just to get it crushed again...and all that in a short time...
I did things that I thought I'd never be able to do...I disappointed me and others...I am really ashamed of the things I've done.And I regret a lof of things.But it's no time to mourn,right?I've to move on,I've to try to make up the mistakes.I've to improve me,if I don't want to drown in selfpity.
Hmm...what happened to Florian Laur?Been an openminded,frank kid in Elementary...not scared of the bullys,not scared to kick some ass...but then,I became a lame coward with low selfesteem,was accepted a year later,even the girls thought I am a pervert...had my best year in 7th grade,but was like a nerd for the others...had 2 rough years and lost too many friends and happiness...I stopped being spontaneous and became too much of a thinker...good to pass school,but bad to be a normal guy...so I became a weirdo and freak to the others...became more and more cynical and bitter...even I got back on track(at least a bit)in 10th grade...thx to Florestan.But then my depressions kicked me and everything was screwed up again...well,at least I got this "I-don't-care"-attitude which made me kinda cool in 11th grade with those younger guys...they all kinda hated me for not caring,but hey,I paid the piper,so they shouldn't blame me.
But it's really interesting...the way I took...would my life been so different if something small would have changed?Like a butterfly,batting with his wings can make a taifun?
Only god knows the answer...